Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Nine: Birthdays With a Side of Bitchiness

Our mother always told us, "Girl, your problems are no more important that anyone else's." And maybe that's true. But now that we have spent three episodes of the Real Housewives of Miami discussing Romain and Joanna's bedroom issues, we'd sure like to swap issues with the super-pretty newlyweds. Would that our every day was spent stressing over penetration vs. no penetration.

On the other hand, y'know who's starting to grow on us? Cuban Barbie, better known as Alexia. We aren't sure if she is 20 or 50, but it doesn't matter -- Madre is looking quite caliente.

In episode nine, we meet up with Alexia and Marysol to celebrate her birthday. How do those ladies get in the celebratory mood? By talking shit about Adriana's wedding, of course. But really - can you judge? Ms. de Moura essentially sent over a 10-page booklet of what she expects you to wear, how you should to act, etc. And let's not forget that this handbook included photos of what she needs -- yes, needs -- you to wear. Oh, housewives.... you are so very crazy.

Who doesn't love a gift, right? If perhaps you have received a gift lately, you probably thought to yourself, "How thoughtful!" Well, that was until you see that Lisa Black is casually bringing over Berkins to Lisa to make all of her purse dreams come true. This is only before she hands over Alexia's birthday present. "What did she give her?" you ask. The most thoughtful gift in the world, of course: the entire line of her skincare products. Hey - a little self-promotion is a little a self-promotion, right?

Your wedding day means a couple of things: booze, brides, and bundles of stress. We all handle said stress in different ways. Over at Camp Housewives, Lauren Foster, Adriana and Marysol head straight to the Dr. to get IVs of vitamins. We have never heard of this particular treatment, but hey, we aren't on Bravo either.

Here's how it apparently works: Upon entering, you meet with your physician and you inform him what "cocktail" you're in the mood for. And while you are getting your vitamin infused "cocktail," an actual boozy cocktail is served. See? This is something we could get behind.

But it's not all drinks and quack medicine this week. Keeping up with their weekly theme of making the viewers get all depressed, Joanna and Romain are still in therapy. Today, Romain is discussing his horrific childhood. We would be lying if we said a tear or two wasn't shed. Please, no judgement.

Back to the birthdays! (If there is one thing Andy Cohen and his cable cohorts take seriously, it's birthdays.) For fiesta de Alexia & Co., they headed over to The Gale. It almost looked to be a groundbreaking evening. Adriana understood that Lisa was going to be Joanna's bridesmaid too. There didn't seem to be too much drama... and then the epic battle of Marysol vs. Lisa began. It ends with Mrs. Black crying, Marysol informing her she's a terrible person, and Ana asking Lisa if she is Hooked on Phonics, so it's a truly successful evening by Bravo standards. PS - Hooked on Phonics still exists.

And next week, it's finally time for Adriana's epic wedding. Here comes the bougie bride....

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