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Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Four: Stop Fighting! You're Middle Aged!

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There is a line from a Sex and the City episode in which Carrie Bradshaw attempts to break up a fight with a few famous words: ""Stop it! Stop fighting! For heaven's sake, you're middle aged!"

Really, this quote could not be more appropriate for our ladies on The Real Housewives of Miami this week.

See also: The Real Housewives of Miami Are Bravo's Worst Paid Housewives

Last night, we were welcomed to the new Casa de Romain and Joanna. If you weren't jealous of Miss Krupa before, you are now; she is the owner of a new waterfront home, a brand new Jaguar, and, apparently, her fiance's testicles. They almost definitely live in a jar kept somewhere in Joanna's purse. Perhaps this is why he is dodging her sexual advances like we dodge our boss when we're drunk at a work function.

But really, Romain, can you just put it in already? We could have saved you a trip to the therapist with the wise words of Lisa Hochstein: "Just bang her like a chicken cutlet."

Speaking of sex, why are none of these ladies getting laid? Apparently the last time any of these gals got their man in the sack, Adriana was getting married at the courthouse -- and thanks to the court document Joanna tracked down, we know that was about five years ago. Lisa isn't taking the lack of sex lying down, even though maybe she wants to. Sexy nurse costume? Why not?

Mama Elsa time has been seriously lacking in season three, but Marysol's not out of wacky characters for the Bravo audiences. Last night, it was her spiritual healer, Cari. This little nugget reads cards, delivers messages from beyond, and begins each session with a chant that only a mother could love. She informs Miss Patton that some black magic is happening around her. The she-devil is older, blonde, and a little shady. Um... did the pot just call the kettle Lea Black?

Say what you will about the housewives, but unlike their counterparts in most other cities, our gals are employed. Lea has Lance Bass flying in especially for her annual gala. And Alexia is running Venue magazine. Not that we have never actually seen that publication in person, but hey, on the show it looks super legit.

It's so legit, in fact, that the mag's staff decides to throw a party in its own honor. Hey, if you won't celebrate yourself, no one will, honey. So Alexia rounds up the girls and heads to Story Nigthclub. Sounds innocent enough, right?

In what seems to be about 20 short minutes, Lea arrives just like any Golden Girl does: before the party has even started. When people do actually start entering the soiree, the shit meets the fan almost instantly. Let's see: Adriana hates Joanna, Romain hates Frederic, Romain slept with a Colombian girl, and the fiances attempted to make up at a car wash. Mental note: this all went down at their VIP table. How can you fight when so much free booze is flowing around you?

Keep it up, you middle-aged mamas, keep it up.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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