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Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Five: Galas, Gays, and G-List Stars

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If we have learned one thing from Real Housewives of Miami, it's that we want to work for Lea Black. All it seems you need is a fierce Spanish accent, some sass, and no work ethic whatsoever.

And hey, if we can't be on her staff, we want to be Lea herself. That laugh, her access to $25 million dollar earrings -- we mean, we where do we sign up?

See also: Here's Real Housewives ' Adriana de Moura's Nude PETA Ad

Speaking of Mrs. Black, since season one, one of the biggest shit shows of the year is always The Annual Black Gala. In theory, Lea raises a ton of money to help underprivileged youth stay out of the court system. But hey bitches, this is Bravo, where nobody knows what's about to happen, and no charity event can go off without a tear or two.

The Gala's not the only ghost of seasons past who came back to say hello. A little gal named Miss Lauren Foster made her way back into our lives. Lets see: the last time everyone's favorite transgender queen was on the screen, she was verbally assaulting Elaine Lancaster, better known as our favorite drag queen. Really, does it get any better?

A little later, we meet up with a few of the ladies as they head off to Gay Polo. As a resident of Miami going on 10 years, are we the only ones who didn't know this existed? Really, we have obviously been hiding under some boring Heterosexual rock.

On the ride there, Adriana begins to explain that Joanna's fiance, Romain, had made her cry all night long. With that, she must keep her sunglasses on all day. Baby girl, last week we kept our shades on the entire time while getting our hair done at the salon. Not because we were up with a box of tissues. Because our appointment was at 10 AM and we had come back home about an hour before that. You're hungover, gal. Let's just call a spade a spade. Or a booze hound a booze hound.

But before moving on, can we discuss the great catch phrases last night? Specifically, "a thug in Ferragamos," by Ana, and later, "It's easy to take the high road when the low road is the gutter," by Lea. Honestly, nice work ladies.

Then, we take a quick left turn. No more gays, it's time for the Gala! Lea begins planning, and this includes one of the evening's performers, Taylor Hicks. She informs us that Taylor took off one night from his very hectic schedule to take part in the evening. Um, what else is he up to exactly? We thought the was dead... welcome back, Tay! But he wasn't the only random to show up at the soiree. Dennis Rodman, Lance Bass, Karent Sierra. That's what we call G-lister overload!

Not to get political, but this country has seen too many major wars lately. Iraq, Afghanistan, possibly Syria -- and now, Lea Black vs. The Cubans. Don't call us racist -- those are Lisa's words, not ours.

When it came down to party time, the most awkward moment was not the auction where not a goddamn thing sold. Nor was it the fact that only two of the wives decided to show up. It was was definitely the performance by Flo Rida. Don't get us wrong, the man can put on a show. But we are almost positive we have seen him live in Miami a good 10 to 439 times. Hey, a man has got to eat, right?

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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