Film & TV

Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 3: Elsa Is a Witch, Duh

Miami is all about having a front. Things are rarely what they seem, especially in The Real Housewives of Miami. So we're going to translate last night's episode the best we can. Think of it as Real Housewives of Miami for Dummies, because we feel dumber for watching this show but we just can't stop.

Starting off is Christy, who reveals that she likes to go to a lot of new places because nothing lasts that long in Miami. Anyway, back to Christy's favorite topic, Christy...and bitches that are jealous of Christy, like Lea. Ugh!

Doesn't Lea understand that Christy is hot and Cuban and

not a hooker? And that she came to Lea's event (as an afterthought when

another event she was going to go to got canceled) in good faith? Who cares whether or

not Christy paid to get into a gala where all the proceeds go to

charity, right? Christy contributes plenty of money, which she has plenty of

thankyouverymuch, to other charities. Just not Lea's charity.

But whatever, ignore all that noise and look at Christy dance! Whoo! She's got some great abs!

On to the next scene: the girls sit in a lush backyard waiting for

Adrianna who's an hour and a half late for lunch. This, in Larsa's

opinion, is not cute. Being 10 to 15 minutes late equals cute. Sixteen minutes to an hour and a half

late equals

disgusting. But you know what's not disgusting? Sleeping better after you fire someone. Totally not disgusting.

Someone mentions the

fact that Adrianna was out until 2 a.m. the night before dancing with

single men. Maybe that's why she's late. Lea is astonished that Adrianna

stayed out until 2...A.M.! Why so late? Who stays out that late in a

city like Miami? Certainly not Lea. Or any of her celebrity friends,

like Rick Ross, who Lea knows for a fact doesn't party until 2 a.m.

because she reads him Goodnight Moon as she tucks him into beddy-bye

every single night.

After much speculation, Lea decides to call Adrianna to see what's

keeping her. Adrianna's alibi: hair and make-up. And although everyone then concurs that Adrianna's behavior is certainly not cute,

when Adrianna finally does show up, everyone cheerfully applauds. So, if we're going by Larsa's standards for cuteness, doesn't clapping for Adrianna actually

make her look, well, cute?

Adrianna teaches us, in our next scene, that Miami is a place for art and that you can make a lot of money selling art in if you're good at it. Really, Professor Profound? Thanks for the tidbit of insider info. Adrianna is going to be putting on a solo show in her Coral Gables gallery for her artist friend

Marcos in just a few days.

But Marcos is very lazy. He hasn't finished

all of his paintings yet and Adrianna does not understand this. In the past,

Marcos put on a show for a prince. A PRINCE. But he's having trouble

stringing a show together in Coral Gables? Adrianna puts her foot down. You better do it, buddy, or she's going to stomp around her gallery in heels and complain about how nothing's done some more! Maybe she'll even forget to pick up her son and freak out and drive you nuts, artist guy. Okay, silly gallery owner, he'll do his work. After lunch.

The next scene involves another beautiful exchange between Alexia and

her 17 year-old son, Peter. For Peter's graduation party he wants his

mom to throw down 10K for a DJ who played at ULTRA. Alexia thinks this

is ridiculous. She tells her modest son that she can get a 10-man band for

10 g's.

But, c'mon Alexia! Don't you think that's selling yourself

short? You could get at least 2 bands (hey, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and the

Brian Setzer Orchestra haven't been doing much since the 1990s) and a Dezi

Arnez impersonator for less than $10,000. Think outside the peroxide.

Then we find out that he bought his girlfriend, Priscilla, a $300 ring. Akexia congratulates her son's thriftiness. Peter then corrects his mother

and tells her that he actually spent $600 on the ring and that he paid

half on his credit card and half in cash. And where did Peter get this

cash? On his own, of course! He sold some tickets...that Alexia bought

for him with her money.

Then Marysol's mother, Elsa, pops up on the screen and we all scream from the fright that is her face. Marysol has come over to

Elsa's place so her mother, and boyfriend, Phillippe can get to know

each other better.

And we really get to know Elsa a whole lot better in

this episode, learning things like:

• She's wearing her nightgown (a silk, gold muumuu) in the middle of the day, but the colors

suit her well.

• She looks good in most things (except in her face skin).

• She really likes macho men that dress like girls.

• She did not come to this country, and marry a gringo, to display paper

flowers in her home.

• She thinks Marysol and Phillippe are ignorant.

• She stole flowers from her neighbors' yards when she lived in Cuba.

• She's a witch.

• Only French people wash their hands.

• When she drinks she feels good.

• She's drunk.

Now it's on to the grand finale -- lazy Marcos's solo show at Adrianna's

gallery. At this point, Adrianna is so annoyed with Marcos's lack of

discipline that she decides she's going to show up to his show hours late. Her alibi: Hair and make-up.

Christy shows up to the art show way before Adrianna (not cute) because

she loves art. In fact, she collects Cuban art because, you know, she's

Cuban, so Brazillian art would be an interesting twist to her

collection. And geographically, Cuba and Brazil are right next to each other and they share the same language and stuff. Right?

In fact, Christy gets so enthralled by art that she can't

stay at a show for more than, like, 10 to 20 minutes. It's like, inspiration

overload. Larsa has the same EXACT problem. So, they both leave Adrianna's show together early, so they can drive

around I-95 and talk shit about Lea's outfit. They called it

"Alice in Wonderland" and "Lady Gaga."

Lea wore Elton

John-style bejeweled glasses, a silver peace sign necklace, a red low cut lingerie top, and black tulle, which looked like it could've been Winona Ryder's wedding veil in Beetlejuice, wraped around her shoulders. We think she looked cute.

I bet you Rick Ross thinks her outfit is cute too.

One of the celebrity portraits painted by Marcos was of Lea. Larsa complains that the picture didn't even look like Lea, although

both Christy and Larsa recognized it was Lea right away. But that's

besides the point, which is, there should've been a portrait of Larsa

rather than Lea. That would've been way cuter. Christy tells her to wait

until next year and there will definitely be a portrait of Larsa in Adrianna's gallery because

by then, Larsa will be famous, and, by Christy's reasoning, you need to be famous to have a portrait

painted of you.

Uh, Christy, hello, Larsa is already famous. Haven't you heard of her? She goes by the stage name of "Scottie Pippen's Wife."

The rest of the show unravels as follows: Adrianna finally shows up to

the gallery, invites another artist to do a live painting in the middle

of Marcos's solo show. [Oh, wait -- there's an Elaine Lancaster sighting! Hello Ms. Thang!] Marcos gets mad but is too much of a pussy to

confront Adrianna, so Tommy, Marcos's friend, confronts Adrianna about

taking the sparkle away from Marcos. Adrianna flips her inner bitch switch to ON

and tells Tommy to go fuck himself and that it's her gallery.

Then a

mysterious footprint ends up on the guest artist's painting, which was

done Jackson Pollock/Zen buddhist style on the floor. Adrianna, with no

proof, is convinced it's Tommy, because "who else would it be?" No one! Guilty! Is this how justice works in Brazil?

And, finally, can we get some snaps for the hardest

working extra on the show? Elaine Lancaster? Girlfriend's been in every episode thus far without saying a single word yet. Oh, Elaine, what will

your first words be? WHAT WILL THEY BE?

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Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel