Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 11: Texas, Where Dreams Go To Die?

Some of Hollywood's finest are from Waco, Texas. Steve Martin, for instance, calls it his hometown. Not to mention Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ashlee Simpson and also, Lea Black.

OK, maybe they're not all the best. But hey, kind of famous is still famous, right?

See also: Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Ten: Was Adriana's Wedding the Worst Ever?

Upon Lea's arrival, along with Lisa, in The Lone Star State, it's pretty obvious Ms. Black hates her family, as well as the state in general. She probably has nightmares about President Bush himself. (But then, who doesn't?) Lea packing to go see family back home looks a lot like when, well, you have to go see your country-ass family. You love 'em, sure, but their airport is the size of a bus stop and you can't get an espresso to save your life. No thanks.

Speaking of hatred, it's pretty obvious Romain's family isn't exactly feeling the love for Miss Joanna or her newly betrothed, either. In fact, after taking a look at his mother, father and brother, we are 99% sure Romain is adopted. When none of your close relatives want to show up to your wedding, there are clearly some major issues at play. But with any take down, there is triumph in the form of a yacht cruise and a puppy. Oh Romain, you're so dreamy.

And before we know it, we are back in Texas with Lea Black's official clan. Perhaps it's because we live in Miami, but does her family resemble that of a sugar cookie? It's not even a burnt sugar cookie. Plain white flour over there in Waco.

We quickly meet Lea's two sisters, her Vanilla Ice-rapping nephew, her mother, and God knows whom else. Really, did we have any idea that she had a family outside of Roy and that son of hers before this moment? We do get one touching moment when we learn about Lea's sister Kim's tragic passing -- before Lea swept in to ruin it, that is. Perhaps the most touching part of it all was Lea referring to her Southern Sisters still remaining in Texas as a "cult." Aw, that's so sweet. That is more than likely how she addresses their Christmas gifts.

Lea Black, meanwhile, can't be anything other than Lea Black. She might be in the middle of f-ing nowhere. Yet somehow she and Lisa still tracked down a Mercedes-Benz rental car. She is the Mayor of Miami after all. Mama gets what she wants.

Essentially this episode should have been called, "Lea Goes to Texas." A few scenes later, we are with Lea and her Waco women BFFs at Red River saloon. Yes, it is as classy as it sounds. Lea takes the opportunity to monopolize the conversation with talk about the multiple businesses that she used to own. Here we thought we had lived a full life. That was only until we were given the pleasure of watching a Lea Black infomercial with that gal in a leotard who was giving her physical exam. What the hell kind of "business" is this again?

Capping off a way-too-white episode, it was time to celebrate ten years for Alexia and Herman. Lots of champagne, food, and remembering great moments. Then comes Marysol. The interaction between these two women was truly inspiring. Mrs. Echevarria, you are the Cuban Tony Robins. Run with this newfound career girl, RUN! But first -- make Elsa better. We can't have Elsa Patton not feeling 100%. We just can't!

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