Queens Finals for Miss National Teenage Pageant Coming to Colony Theatre

We take a perverse pleasure in making fun of all things beauty pageant related. We rattle off reasons why the events are arcane, badmouth seemingly well intentioned pageants in underprivileged areas like Overtown, and generally chastise anyone and anything associated with them (with the exception of New Times' own Miss Whore)! We're not saying it's fair or right. That's just the way we catwalk.

So you can imagine our glee when we heard tell that the America's National Teen Pageant - Queen Finals was coming to Miami Beach this weekend. And were especially tickled when we discovered that none other than the historic Colony Theatre on Lincoln Road would host the event. For a second there we weren't sure what kind of queens they were hoping to attract. It is South Beach, after all!

Both the Miss Preteen National Teenage Pageant an the National Teenage

Pageant will come to conclusion on Saturday night so there's sure to be

plenty of make make-up, hair spray, fake tans (even the preteens get

them), even faker smiles, and flippers, which in case you didn't know

are dentures for kids who have yet to have their adult teeth grown

(believe it).

We realize beauty queens walking up and down Lincoln Road is an everyday

occurrence, even very young ones. If you want to tell the difference

between pageant contestants and everyday beach fare, the contestants are the ones

with permanent shit eating smiles and white teeth. The other model types

have dour pusses and coke residue in their nostrils.

But back to the pageant. The winner's of each category will go on to a

national competition of some kind. Here's a breakdown of what factors

judges will using to score the future Miss Americas, or even Miss


  • 15% School (academics and school awards/excellence)

  • 15% Activities (leadership, extra-curricular activities and community service)
  • 30% Interview

  • 15% Evening Gown

  • 15% Personal Expression (this category has contestants decorate a pair of jeans and the strut around in them.

  • 10% Onstage Question (we'll call this the Miss South Carolina category)

(South Beach pedophiles will be disappointed to discover that there is no bathing suit category.)

Even though beauty pageants are backwards and demeaning, they're not all bad. If only they could be like this one:

The Queens Finals for Miss Preteen National Teenage Pageant an the

National Teenage Pageant take place at the Colony Theater (1040 Lincoln

Rd., Miami Beach) starting at 6:30 p.m. Saturday. Tickets cost $50. For

more information www. nationalteen.com.

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