Even those of you who are not degenerate gamblers have probably heard by now about the slew of annual proposition (prop) bets surrounding Sunday's Super Bowl. They're stupid we know, but truthfully, they add some color to what more often than not is a drab sporting event beset with enough pomp and circumstance to induce narcolepsy, even with those silly commercials.
So Cultist decided to add to the fun and come up with our own prop bets. Of course, you can't actually place a bet with us. That would be illegal. But live it up among friends or your bookie. Read on:
1. Fergie Pees Herself During Half Time Show. Odds: 10/1
There's been plenty of prop action surrounding the Black Eyed Peas
I support
Keep New Times Free.
performing at halftime.
But we think the real action should be on whether Fergie can make it
through the show without visiting the restroom...in her pants. Or did you
not know Fergie's history with auto-erotic urination? We'll take the
likelihood of yellow rain inside the stadium.
2. Map Fair Virgins Versus the Over at Super Bowl: Take the Nerds
In case you somehow missed it, there's also the Miami International Map
Fair
going on Sunday. We know, it's a tough call--Super Bowl or Map Fair? Map
Fair or Super Bowl? Decisions, decision. In honor of one of the largest
single gatherings of map nerds in the world, we offer a prop bet on how
many virgins will be pacing the halls of HistoryMiami with magnifying glasses in
hand versus the over/under (44.5) at Super Bowl XLV. We'll take the
virgins. Too bad those treasure maps don't point out the location of the Golden
Valley of the Himalayas or the hairy jungles below (ooh, that's crass!)
3. Is Big Ben Going to Disney World? Odds: 7/1
Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is on the verge being considered
among the best quarterbacks of all time. In six years, he's already won
two Super Bowls and might cement his third on Sunday. He's also a
scumbag who likes taking advantage of women in public bathrooms. That makes Bad Ben a big quandary for Madison Avenue. Should this All American weasel be used to
sell products? It's tradition for the winning Super Bowl
quarterback to say, "I'm going to Disney World." Should the Steelers
win; will Disney execs agree to put a microphone in Roethlisberger's mug
and ask him what's he going to do next? Any responsible corporate
citizen would say no. That's why we're taking Mickey to say yes.
4. Prostitutes in Dallas Versus Number of Votes for Luke as Mayor
Stay with us on this one. Apparently, hosting a Super Bowl brings a
traveling sex trade circus to town.
That's a lot of action. But we're thinking no matter how many hookers
there will be at the Super Bowl, there will be more Miamians
voting for Luther Campbell in his run for mayor. That's
right! We're taking Uncle Luke and his stripper tax!
5. Cultist Knows How to Spell. Odds: 5/1
Not to get too inside baseball, but we love it when readers point out
our mistakes. So we're betting the house that at least 3 comments will
helpfully inform us of the typo in this post's headline. Of course,
they'll be wrong. The Super Bowl does in fact blow, and we're not afraid
to say it!
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