Hello, Kitty: I'm always begging my boyfriend to spend a couple of nights at my house, but when he finally obliges, I can't wait for him to leave. Not for good, just for 20 to 30 minutes so I can have time to shit and clear the air in my apartment. But he never leaves, and I'm forced to spend my evenings with a bubbling stomach. I really don't want to poo in front of him, and my apartment is too small to avoid the smell if I do. But my self-induced constipation is ruining our sex life because while he's pounding away, all I can think about is how I'm going to keep myself from exploding. Is there maybe a conversation we can have to clear the air or a way I can handle my business without grossing him out?
Terd N. Me
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Hey, Terd: Since your guy thinks you're a lovely unicorn who rids her body of waste by blowing bubbles of bergamot from her butt, you should definitely try to to keep that image alive. So the next time you begin to feel a rumble in the jungle, tell your man you've left something in the car and quickly shit on your lawn like a golden retriever. Or take a plastic grocery bag to the bathroom, squat, and empty your bowels into the sack, which you can then toss out a window, undetected.
If those methods don't appeal to you, a dose of reality might. Because, love, your man knows you shit. We all do. Your desire to keep him from the smell is understandable because, unfortunately, we women are expected to smell like cinnamon buns all day long. But like I said, you gotta do it. If your body is telling you it needs to take a dump, you should follow its direction. There are people who've been constipated since spring break in Cancun and would kill to float a few logs down a river of toilet water, so let it go.
As for the smell, the foods you eat have a lot to do with the odor. Re-evaluate your diet. A colonic is a great way to rid your body of the rotted food that makes BMs smell so rank. Till then, make your shower time into your disposal time. Light a candle (he'll think it's for ambiance), close the door, turn on some music, steam up the shower, and let 'er rip before you hop in the tub. You'll likely be in there long enough for the air to clear. I wouldn't be surprised if he wholly appreciates your dookey discretion. If he knew it was affecting your sex life with him, he'd probably tell you not to hold it in. Please, poo. Meow.