| March 23, 2011 | 3:45pm
Advances in science and technology have been able to improve the quality of life for people such as Joan Rivers and Heidi Montag. Fortunately, the animal kingdom will now also benefit from such lifesaving procedures.
Boris, a once obese but now just hefty pig, is going to "have some work done." According to his owner, Boris's recent weight loss has left him with an overhanging brow making it difficult for Boris to see. His owner thinks Boris is in need of an "eyelift" or "reverse Botox" in order to improve his quality of life. We agree. No one should have to suffer loose
foreskin forehead skin.
See a video of Boris and his owner here
In light of Boris's upcoming procedure, five of the world's leading experts in plastic surgery have decided to advise Boris on the DOs and DON'Ts of cosmetic enhancement.
5. Heidi Montag
In her infinite wisdom, Heidi decided to boost her fledgling career by breaking a world record at the young age of 23. Unfortunately for her, Spencer isn't any good at math (read: counting past ten) so they undershot the mark of Most Plastic Surgery Procedures in One Day. Instead, Heidi only had ten surgeries performed, but on the bright side -- she looks marvelous! She had this to say to Boris, "proportion is the key. Don't overdo it. For example, don't get tits bigger than your head or a bra size larger than your IQ." You live, you learn.
4. Carrot Top
Many people mistakenly think that Carrot Top has Michael Jackson's disease (when someone slowly turns into MJ. See: Usher) or that Carrot Top is a male-to-female pre-op transsexual. But they are wrong. He is post-op as of December 2010 when he had a removable raging vagina installed on his left hip. The fact that it is removable makes it easier for Carrot Top to refill his built-in testosterone tank (also in his left hip). Top had this to tell Boris, "Grrr, ugh, unknanuck, baba bloopy butt sock, caca shoo snot."
3. Hang Mioku
Mioku is a true miracle of science and a shining example of tenacity. When doctors refused to perform any more plastic surgery on the
freak fine lady, she took matters into her own hands. And her kitchen. This entrepeneural spirit began injecting her own face with vegetable oil. Unfortunately this science experiment procedure didn't work, so doctors were forced to operate in order to repair... Hey! I guess it did work! Genius! Mioku thinks Boris is a rich soul. "It takes nerve to look different. But it takes money to look the same."
2. Michaela Romanini
Often mistaken for Megan Fox's mother, there is no denying the impact of Michaela's piercing blue eyes or her striking features. She is the envy of drag queens everywhere! She cautions Boris, "do not get sucked into the seduction of cosmetic enhancement. I am so busy getting work done that I have become to busy even to tweeze my own eyebrows!"
1. Elsa Patton
We may be biased because she's a local, but we think Elsa is the reigning queen
of reality television. Just one look and you're hooked, and just like any good drug addiction, you are left confused, remorseful, and guilty after indulging. With her extensive expertise, she is probably the most qualified to advise Boris on his upcoming surgery. "Darling -- cough, cough, hiccup, slur, reetttch -- there is one essential rule to follow. Don't go to a surgeon located in the same building as your hair salon. Burrrp."
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