There's a certain pride that comes from saying you're from Miami these days. Admittedly, some of that pride comes from the irrational bravado that comes with being a part of a place that's been named the #1 party city in the US, and one of the most dangerous places in America within the same three-year period. Good or bad, the further away you get from the Dade/Broward line, the more fanciful the look in people's eyes becomes when you tell them you're from the 305.
Most people from Miami are proud, if not eager, to admit it. Because of this unabashed and unapologetic hubris, 99 percent of the country loves to hate on us. Nowhere is this hate more apparent than in the world of sports. Yo no se que cosa es, pero listen to most sports journalists around the country talk about Miami fans, and all you hear them say is that this city is the absolute worst place to have a sports franchise.
Pero today, no one is saying shit. All the Miami haters have suddenly gone silent. The jokes about Lebron having no ring in a city full of fairweather fans have been abrupty muted, and all you can hear, from Hialeah to Southwest, is the sound of casuelas y cucharas banging away a sweet song of victory!
This week's column is dedicated to voicing what the Miami Heat can't, porque son muchachos fino. Pero yo soy tremendo CHUSMA y puedo decir lo que me sale de los cojones. So here it is: Pepe Billete's official VPLP list.
VPLP Skip Bayless
First and foremost, eres tremendo comepinga that has made a career hating on one of the greatest players in NBA history. Your weak opinion holds no weight because: 1) you've never competed at any notable level, and 2) tienes tremenda cara de sapingo mamerto. You contribute nothing to the world except your empty, vapid opinions that no one gives two shits about beyond the 30 seconds it takes for you to force them out of your wrinkled head. You are nothing more than una puta busca plieto with a microphone. You have shown the world on countless occasions that you don't possess a shred of integrity, and sadly, that speaks more volumes about your character (or lack thereof) as a "man" than it does your ethics as a journalist. You're 60 years old and your life is meaningless, pipo. How are you dealing with that?
VPLP Charles Barkley
You love to talk about how Miami fans are the worst. How this city doesn't deserve any sports franchise, and you took solace in knowing that another notable elite level basketball player was well into his career and still hadn't gotten a ring. The "no ring" club wasn't so bad as long as LeBron was there to keep you company, because it helped you forget that your entire career, filled with praises, points and accolades, meant nothing because you were never able to reach the ultimate goal. You and your game, no matter how great, will be forever outshined by the fact that you played during the dynasty of Michael Jordan who, like LeBron, is the greatest player of his era.
You will be remembered for your ostentatious behavior and blunt, almost brusque, interviews, pero your game will be an afterthought. Now, here you are, 13 years after your retirement con un culo que ni te cabe en la silla, and the only reason anyone even remembers that you're alive is because ESPN insists on airing your bloated head during every game. You were once a franchise player, but you've been reduced to un viejo amargado, and now, your Hands Free (of Rings) Club just lost its most valued member. El que te dejaba dormir de noche. Now it's just you and a bunch of young kids just starting their careers who are destined to succeed where you failed. I mean, let's face it -- the inevitable Kevin Durant "no ring" jokes don't hold much water considering he's only 23. It's just you, pipo. Even Juwan Howard has more rings than you. I mean, really, how are you going to deal with that?
You lost. Deal with it. Build something else in your shitty town, and maybe you won't have to think about it for the next year. We had playa y putas to hold us over, but for you, a Weight Watchers clinic might be a good start.
VPLP Joakim Noah
"Hollywood as hell," huh, pipo? That's kind of ironic coming from someone who looks like he should be on RuPaul's Drag Race. Kiss the ring, bitch. How's that for "Hollywood"?
VPLP Dan Gilbert
Let me make this vehemently clear, pipo: You have no one to blame for LeBron leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers but yourself. Lebron's departure was not like the underhanded move Art Modell pulled in 1996, no matter how bad you wanted to convince people it was. No pipo, eso te paso por comemierda. You surrounded El LeBronsito with scrubs for seven long years. Que tu pensabas? That the most talented player since Jordan was just going to let you ruin his career? No jodas. Don't you think, if given the choice, LeBron would have preferred to achieve greatness in his hometown? Of course. Who wouldn't? Pero just like a textbook jinetera, abusastes de el y lo perdiste pa la pinga.
If that doesn't sting, then hopefully knowing that your ineptitude almost destroyed your local economy does. When LeBron left, no one gave a shit about the Cavs. You wanna talk about bandwagon fans? Pipo, you could have sold tickets to a Coral Gables High School Cavaliers game faster than you could a Cleveland Cavaliers game in the 2012 season. You went from 2nd in attendance in 2010 to 19 in 2012. And you have the audacity to blame it on LeBron? Pipo your team is un mojon con pelo, and that rude awakening only came after your golden boy went on to bigger and better things. Maybe if you weren't so tacañao you could have kept the greatest player in basketball today. Maybe if you weren't such a horrible franchise owner, you could have helped your local economy flourish with the fruits that come with winning a championship. Pero ni pinga. La cagaste, but what else can you expect from the guy that wrote a ridiculous open letter to Cleveland fans following Lebron's departure that said, "I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE. You can take it to the bank." Take it to the bank, huh? Looks like your check overdrafted, comepinga.
And last but not least,
VPLP Basketball Fans Born And Raised In The 305 That Hate On The Heat
It irks me that people like you exist. I'm not saying you can't like another team, pero acere, everybody knows you never turn your back on your home team! Do you have any idea what the Miami Heat do for the community? Do you even give a shit that the Heat generate millions of dollars for the local economy? Has it even crossed your mind that a team like this comes once in a generation and you are privileged enough to live in the city that hosts them? Ni pinga, you just hate because you like the attention it gets you. You relish in it, because it's the only time in your pathetic existence where the spotlight is shone on you and you become distinguishable from the herd. Well, guess what? All that attention just makes you look like un comepinga vende patria, and that image will never get you laid.
Maybe I'm being too harsh, though. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you just don't want to look like a "bandwagon" fan. That's admirable. But I'm here to tell you not to worry about it. Jump on the bandwagon, pa la pinga. Everybody loves a winner, who cares? Just stick around when the chips are down and eventually no one will question your loyalty.
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Miamians, it is your god-given right to love the Heat, coño! The entire country hates us. And just us. Not Florida, not Orlando, not South Florida, but us. The 305. Yet despite all that animosity, jealousy, and mal de ojo, we still managed to come out on top -- middle fingers in the air and yelling PLP CON TODO EL MUNDO! How can you not want to be a part of that? Dale, coño, enjoy it, que los Dolphins no sirben pa nada!