Pepe Billete's Guide to Partying in Miami

See the full archive of Pepe Billete's columns here.

Last weekend me and the guys at DeadFix.com were cojiendo tremenda perra nota at PeachFuzz, and we started talking about all the mistakes people make when they go out partying in Miami. The conversation was so interesting, that I decided to make it the topic of this week's column.

So aqui lo tienen: The Do's and Don'ts of Miami Nightlife.

Don't ask the DJ to play shit. If you don't you tip him, he's not going to listen to your requests. Chances are he already played the shitty song you want to hear anyway.

Mujeres: Don't take your shoes off at the club. Ever. La jeva que es una "Pata Sucia" en la calle, almost always is un "Bollo Sucio" en la cama. No tires la pinta si no lo eres.

If you like wearing sunglasses at the club, don't wear fake knockoffs. Trust me, people can tell. No one wears $700 Louies with a $12 Aeropostale shirt. If you can't afford the real deal, just wear a no-name pair with style.

Aprende a aguantar la nota. Nothing is more repulsive than a sloppy drunk, I don't care how big your tits are.

Guys: Don't wear shiny clothes. You probably already look like un comepinga, might as well not look like a bedazzled one too.

Don't act like un guapo at the club. Stop looking at me hard, pipo, you're not intimidating anyone. Actually it looks like you're hitting on me, and I'm already in a committed relationship with someone que me tiene un braso metido en el culo.

Si eres una culona o tetona (or both), don't accept drinks from strangers, unless you're hard up for drugs or down for an undercover lechaso.

Always dance to Pitbull, 2 Live Crew, and Rick Ross. Period.

If you smoke, make sure you carry a shitload of gum with you if you plan on talking to anyone porque la peste a boca + la peste a cigarro will always = peste a paja seca when you get home.

Hipsters: Don't spend your parents' money on overpriced American Apparel clothes when you can buy the exact same outfit at Valsan for an eighth of the price. Oh, and comb your fucking hair.

Mujeres: Afeitate la papaya.

Eat before going out, but make sure to give yourself enough time pa echar un mojon. There's nothing worse than trailing behind el cagalitroso soltando peo del culo like a "souped up" '93 Civic.

Guys: If you have big nipples, don't wear tight shirts.

Pay attention to what you're singing along to in the club. Don't be the guy singing along to Trina's part in Trick Daddy's "Na Ni**a" if you're not down to suck a couple dicks.

Guys: Don't grab jevitas by the waist or arm to get their attention while they're walking by. You will never get the reaction you're hoping for. You have a better chance of picking them up si te sacas la morronga por el zipper than you do violating their personal space.

If you see a DUI checkpoint, always tweet its location to @PepeBillete and @_DeadFix.

Getting drunk on Four Loko in the parking of the club es cosa de mojones y muerto de hambres. If you can't afford a $7 drink at the bar, don't go out.

If you're old enough to not shit your pants, you're too old to wear a fauxhawk.

No le caigas atras a nadie. If you see someone you know, let them say hello to you first. Nobody respects a dick riding comepinga.

Bueno, that's all for now. I could probably go on with this list for another 10 pages, pero tengo tremenda perra nota, y no me da la gana. If you have anything you want to add to this list, post them into the comments below and tweet them to me at @PepeBillete and I'll RT you!


Follow Pepe on Twitter @PepeBillete.

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