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Last week I took a little break from the column to celebrate my birthday. The party was amazing and even managed to get the attention of NBC!
While it did take me a couple of days to recover, I had a plan to come back this week with an open letter to Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson, pero after all of this comemierderia with Chick-Fil-A going on in the news, I felt compelled to address it, given its relevancy to our local community. Sorry Chad, you're just going to have to wait till next week, pipo.
Let me start off by saying that I've never eaten at a Chick-Fil-A, and at this point, I guess I never will. A mi la pinga, because I know I'm not missing much having a Pollo Tropical less than a mile away from my house. But I digress.
Chick-Fil-A publicly "came out" to the world last week, declaring itself a bigoted, anti-gay corporation when the owner of the company made it vehemently clear that Chick-Fil-A openly supports anti-gay organizations and is against gay marriage. Speaking from a strictly business standpoint, alienating your customers is probably the dumbest thing any business owner can do. I asked myself why anyone would publicly make an assertion like that, knowing the effect it could have on sales, but then I saw the owner's picture and everything became clear. The guy looks like he smells dicks for a living -- who the hell is going to take anything he says seriously?
The Chick-Fil-A fiasco will disappear much faster than the moral question of Gay Marriage will, and because of this, I think it's worthy of discussion. Same-sex marriage was constitutionally banned in Florida on November 6, 2008, and since then, I've always believed that the main reason that amendment passed was due to simple semantics.
The word "marriage" has a religious connotation that is hard to escape. If the word "marriage" were replaced with "union" or "alliance" in the mainstream media, I firmly believe that gay marriage would not face the opposition that it does today. "Marriage" is a word that is based in religion that has no place in American politics or any American state's Constitution. America was founded on the idea that there is a separation of church and state. It doesn't matter if you're Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or Santero. If you are legally married, you are entitled to tax and health benefits that have nothing to do with the constraints of a religion. We do not live in a Christian society, no matter how much the lawmakers of today want to make you believe that we do. The legal definition of "union" is completely separate from the religious definition of the word "marriage."
With that said, I want to present you with the top three reasons why gay unions should be legalized in Florida.
3. People say that marriage is a sacred union. Coño, I agree! The $25,000 I made last year marrying a Colombianita for papers was sacred as fuck when I used the money to buy una lancha pa singar putas in Biscayne Bay.
2. Letting gay people marry each other stimulates the economy. Coño, think about it. More weddings, DJs, and the opulence that comes with all of that shit. You know gay couples aren't getting married in banquet halls in Hialeah. Signature Gardens will be booked for the next 20 years and Jammin Johnny and DJ Laz will be hosting gay weddings until they are viejo y cagalitroso.
1. I've been walking around with a guy with his fist up my ass my entire life -- it would be nice If I could get a tax break for it.
With all that said, I don't give a shit what you're doing in your bedroom. Let's be real, people. The word "marriage" in a legal sense has nothing to do with what goes on your bedroom. Coño, if people knew what was going on in my bedroom on a Saturday night, I would probably be deemed tremendo pervertivo. We all want the same thing in life, to take care of the ones we love. Forget about chicken, dick, bollo, and whatever comes in between the buns. We are all shot from the same bow. Live and let live. This is Miami, we've never had to question ourselves, so why start now!
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