You motherfuckers should be ashamed of yourselves. A 69-year-old demigod of comedy comes to town and stages a four-day hostile takeover at the Improv, but still you can't find the time or energy to step away from your reality TV and Twinkies?
Shit ... Seeing Paul Mooney -- in person! -- call bullshit on all that's wrong with the human universe is like getting a kick to the head from Yahweh himself. So, if the fact that the show is a cosmic wakeup call that only costs $17 isn't enough to sell you, see the cut for some highlights from Mooney's show.
Tonight and tomorrow are your last chances. Go.
Whitey: "What is it with this white man? Y'all just love sucking out his ass? He don't give a fuck about none of you. You are nothing. He knows you're not white and it pisses that motherfucker off! You'll know. He'll tell you. Piss him off. 'Cause you guys think he's obsessed with straight hair and skin. He don't give a fuck about no straight hair. Indians had straight hair and he tried to kill every one of them! Get your census papers? Did you get them? It's against the law if you don't send them back. Did you know that? It's against the fucking law. The first thing they ask you: 'Are there any Indians in your house?' 'No. I ... I thought you killed them all.' Still looking for motherfucking Indians!"
Black Don't Crack: "Look at Tina Turner. Tina is older than dirt! That bitch looks 12! That skin! Her two-year-old legs! But we lost Ike. He begged to see her: 'I'm dying. Forget the doctor. Bring me Tina. Bring her up here. I gotta see her. I'm dying! I'm dying! We gotta bring Tina up in here! I gotta slap that bitch one more time!' Tina wouldn't go. She said: 'What death gotta do with it!'
"Black don't crack! She was in a movie 30 years ago ... Thunderball with Mel Gibson. And Mel Gibson was younger than her. Now Mel Gibson looks like her fucking grandfather.
"Black don't crack! At the Grammys you white folks made the mistake of calling Tina 'Queen.' You know who was there ... Aretha! That big bitch was pissed! She big as a duplex! She was pissed! Snickers candy bars everywhere! She's huge! Big titties! Just titties! Big, big titties! Titties! Titties and hats! Hats and titties! She was pissed!
"'I was there. I tried to help. 'Aretha! Aretha! Chill! Chill, Aretha! You're the Dairy Queen now.'
"Titties and hats! Hats and titties!"
Cake Face: "There was a white woman, baking a chocolate cake for her little white son. She turned her back and that little white boy took that chocolate, rubbed it on his face, and said: 'Look, Mommy! I'm black!' She slapped the shit out of him: 'Stop that Justin Timberlake crap! You go tell your dad what you just said.'
"'Look, Daddy! I'm black!' He said: 'Don't you start that Eminem bullshit with me! Go tell your grandfather what you just said.' 'Look, Grandpa! I'm black!' Grandpa knocked the fuck out of him: 'Don't start that Al Jolson bullshit with me, Timmy! Go back to your mother.'
"Mother said: 'Now, Timmy, what did you learn today?' Timmy said: 'I've learned I've been black for five minutes and already I hate you white motherfuckers!'"
Paul Mooney. Saturday, August 14 at 8:30 p.m. and 10:45 p.m., plus Sunday at 8:30 p.m. Miami Improv, 3390 Mary St., Coconut Grove. Tickets cost $17, plus the Improv's usual two-drink minimum. Call 305-441-8200 or visit miamiimprov.com.