Pain & Gain Premiere: Mark Wahlberg's Rhymes and Ed Harris' 'Roid Rage on the Red Carpet (VIDEO)

Last night, Regal South Beach Cinemas hosted the world premiere of Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson and Mark Wahlberg's Pain & Gain, director Michael Bay's most elaborate contribution yet to National Poetry Month.

It's not every day that big stars come to Miami for something other than stealing people's cell phones or insulting hamburgers. But for New Times, which published Pete Collins' two-part cover story on which the film is based, this was the proud-parent equivalent of posting a 98 percent spelling quiz on every refrigerator in the nation.

See also:
- Pain & Gain: From New Times Story to Michael Bay Film
- Pain & Gain's Red-Band Trailer: Midgets, Macklemore, and Monk Getting Tased

Join us as Mark Wahlberg considers backing the world's first great Foxy Boxing film, Tony Shaloub shares his steroid routine, and Anthony Mackie talks about how angry people are at the post office. Ed Harris, who would make a great pick for the next postmaster general, tries to kill us with his eyes and might have succeeded were it not for the speedy intervention of a nearby publicist.

Look for Pain & Gain in theaters everywhere beginning April 26. And look for Ed Harris whistling as he pats down the dirt of our shallow grave with the back of a bloody shovel in a remote field near you.

Pain & Gain is what appears to be just the first of many collaborations between Michael Bay and New Times, a treasure trove of story ideas perfectly suited to his unique talents. He was game for our pitches, but we soon realized that articles about people getting arrested for masturbating while speeding down the highway or the "Ten Best Pay Toilets in Miami" do not as readily lend themselves toward a big-budget action movie. Bay told us that the ideas seemed more like "YouTube videos" than his next blockbuster. Still, if there's anyone who can pull those off, it's Michael Bay.

What else won't you see in the video above?

  • Tony Shaloub and his wife collaborated on a limerick that began with the line, "There once was a man named Tony Shaloub," and it was less dirty than you might think.
  • UM alum Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson opted to only pose for photographs, so we could not get close enough to smell him or what he was cooking. (Mofongo?)
  • Bar Paly became the second person we've ever heard of whose first name is Bar and is easily in the top two that we've ever met.
  • Ken Jeong, trained physician, agreed to sell us black-market anabolic steroids out of the trunk of his Camry.

All in all, just another night in Miami.

Pain! Gain! Which is your favorite? Decide for yourselves starting April 26, nationwide!

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
B. Caplan