Pablo Francisco is a hilarious comedian with more impersonations in his bag of tricks than there are rocks in the average ounce of crack.
When we caught up with him, he exploded with a full-on rant filled with amazing quotes about drinking, fighting, and doin' the nasty. He's performing six shows at the Miami Improv, running from tonight through Sunday. Buy your tickets now, because just as the photo to the right would have you believe, this dude is a madman.
We're not even going to give you the standard transcript of our Q&A. These raunchy, random gems are best appreciated out of context. Read on for a taste of what's to come at the Improv this weekend.
"The webcam thing is, like, creepy. Who are the guys who make these sites? Blue balls, Fuckbook, Sexbook. What do you say -- "Hey, we met on Fuckbook?" And why is there a big penis in my profile?"
"You got a Vicodin? I'm on the South Beach diet."
"Drinks are expensive on South Beach. I got money, but I'm on a budget. Here's what I do. Go to gay bar, get all my drinks for free, and leave. All you gotta do is look at somebody and say, 'Wassup.' Eight drinks later, say, 'I'll be back.'"
"Space is amazing. All the walls start turning, the bouncer's got a
cattle prod -- like, what kind of cock block house of cock block is this?"
"I got a hooker from Backpage. I have a technique where I can get her to stay for three hours. You need a friend's help though. It's fun and easy. Get in the room, your friend comes in and says 'Listen buddy, Jamie Foxx wants to meet you tomorrow," and that's how it goes. Or tell her you've got a recording studio downstairs."
"Cubans are the best. Fuck Myspace, fuck Twitter. I'd rather be fucking Cuban women all day. And they get along with Puerto Ricans."
"I went to Old San Juan in Puerto Rico. I got an 8 ball and a hooker for 15 bucks. It was the best thing in the world. Then I got deported. They are a sensual people."
"Tootsie's, what a great place that is. You get a bottle of Jack, a topless dance, and the kids eat free."
"Damn, you're typing faster than a motherfucker. We got a Mac, a PC, and a tablet, and all those things are all filled with booze. C'mon down to the Improv. We're lookin' to have a good time."
"Come party in Coconut Grove at the Improv with me. We got all locals.
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Ron Ferguson is a funny ass dude, Ramone is a Miami badass. We got
Ashley from good ol' Haiti."
See Pablo Francisco at the Improv at 8:30 p.m. tonight; 8:30 and 10:45 p.m. Friday and Saturday; and 8:30 p.m. on Sunday. Tickets cost $22. Visit miamiimprov.com.