Nikki Glaser Jokes About a Lot of Messed Up Stuff at Miami Science Museum

Like a 6-year-old dropping an f-bomb, the things that come out of Nikki Glaser's mouth are pretty shocking. The bits in her repertoire touch on some pretty sensitive topics -- rape, for example. And in a YouTube video titled "Lady Comic Slumber Party" featuring Glaser, Amy Schumer, Rachel Feinstein, and Marina Franklin, Glaser confesses, in typical female sleep over fashion, that she once put mayonnaise on a dog's testicles and licked it off.

Glaser, who got a smidgeon of fame from her two appearances on NBC's Last Comic Standing, doesn't exactly look like a dirty comic that makes light of her personal life. But give her a microphone, and she can't stop rattling off about her vagina and some of the lesser-known aspects of the "feminine mystique."

Currently living life on the road, or in her parents' palatial estates in St. Louis, Glaser makes her way to South Florida this Saturday, appearing at Comedy Night At The Museum in the Miami Science Museum. Cultist reached out to the young comedienne, and she responded with some insights into her career, her style of comedy, and what we believe is a totally insincere answer in response to our calling her pretty.

Cultist: I'm required to ask you questions about Miami, so have you ever done cocaine off a stripper's thigh, then had to hide a dead body in the Everglades?
Nikki Glaser: No! I have never done cocaine. I'm waiting until I'm better at yoga because I want to be able to snort it off my own ass. I hear that's the best way.

I'm sure this isn't your first time to Miami, either as a comedian or a drunken spring breaker. Please feel free to use the following space to say whatever you want about the Magic City.
I have never been to Miami, but I've watched The First 48 on A&E for years, so I think I know what I'm in for. I already have the detective picked out who I want to solve my murder case: Lieutenant Joe Schillaci.

There is a big hullabaloo about attractive female comics, particularly with the (questionable) success of Whitney Cummings. Do you think you're getting some of the "blowback," and what happened to the Judy Tenutas of the world?
I don't know if you are saying I'm attractive or not, but if you are, I want to assure you that I haven't always been this way. My personality and humor was shaped while I was a very unattractive child and teenager, so yeah.

What was the first joke you ever wrote?
"Do you think when Siskel and Ebert disagree over a movie they have a thumb war to decide who's right?"

This was before Siskel was dead and also before I wrote good jokes.

Seriously, you make a lot of rape jokes.
I have made a few in my time, but they're date rape jokes, so they don't really count. See that?! I made another! Rape isn't funny, but making light of very serious things is funny because it's such a ridiculous thing to do. I've also never been raped or personally affected by rape, so I am coming from a very different perspective.

When did you first realize you were going to be doing this for real? Were you the class clown?
I was not a class clown. I did not win "funniest girl" in my senior survey. It went to Emily Randall. I'm guessing she won because she had big boobs and jumped around a lot. That got people's attention.

You did a YouTube video with Henry Phillips who received a lot of attention for his movie Punching The Clown. Do you see yourself doing an independent acting project like that, or are you looking to be pulled into sitcom/major motion picture world? Or do you just want to ride the circuit of comedy clubs until you're Joan Rivers?
I love to act and write. I am currently writing, hosting, and producing a comedy pilot at MTV. Hopefully you will see it on your TV soon. But I would be happy to have a career like Joan Rivers. No matter what I end up doing, I will always do stand up. I will always work the road and clubs. I can't not. It's a problem.

Comedy Night At The Museum starring Nikki Glaser. Saturday, April 14. Miami Science Museum, 3280 S. Miami Ave., Miami. Show starts at 8 p.m. Visit Laughstub for tickets.

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Ric Delgado