THU 31

Fainting spells, painful dye jobs, and more bitches than you can throw a bag of kibble at -- don't you just love the UPN guilty pleasure America's Next Top Model? This season's Cycle Four features a bevy of young baby mamas, including local beer-throwing-bad-girl-trying-to-make-good Tiffany ("That ho poured a beer on my weave!"). But don't expect any crying or backstabbing at tonight's Johnson and Wales Next Top Model Competition and Fashion Show to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Student designs will be featured on aspiring models competing for the "Top Model" title. Arrive early to enjoy a cocktail reception at 6:30, so you'll be extremely judgmental by the time the models start busting out their best runway struts at 8:00. The sashaying takes place at the Johnson and Wales University Palm Court, 1701 NE 127th St., North Miami. Admission is a suggested donation, but no actual amount is suggested, so give freely. Call 954-359-7100. (LO)


Miami New Times loves you, baby, so we've set up this special deal just for you. Wherever you go tonight, just mention our name and you'll get in free. APRIL FOOL! Ha ha! Everyone loves a jokester, so when you're done hoodwinking and bamboozling your friends and neighbors, take them to see Just the Funny's special April Fools' Day show. The press release states that "the audience is encouraged to bring strange objects to the show," so things are sure to get nutty. But remember this is a family-friendly show, so leave those really strange objects in your nightstand where they belong. Get rolling with a hilarious hour packed with April Fools' pranks, sketches, parodies, music, and crazy improvisational scenes starting tonight at 9:00 at the Museum of Science and Planetarium, 3280 S. Miami Ave., Miami. Tickets cost just five dollars. Call 305-693-8669, or visit (LO)


Are you tired of spending your Saturday mornings cleaning up a week's worth of sloppy living? For those of you who have yet to realize the amazing therapeutic -- and not to mention hygienic -- effects of mopping, dusting, and scrubbing out those damn spots, today is your day to "Take Back Your Saturday Morning." Treat yourself to a morning at the spa with free manicures and free workout sessions with fitness trainer Kathy Kaehler. (Hey, if we wanted to work out, we would just stay home and clean!) Mr. Clean is sponsoring the event to promote its new Magic Reach cleaning products, so you can even score some freebies for next Saturday's therapy -- er, cleaning -- session. Put aside those lemon-scented antibacterial agents and ride that broom to Myra and Company Salon and Spa, 7313 SW 59th Court, South Miami, from 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Call 305-661-2381, or (LO)


If the mention of sailing triggers you to start singing Christopher Cross ("Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be..."), it's time to put down your Soft Hits of the '80s CD and get out on the sparkling waters of Biscayne Bay. The Mosaic Outdoor Club of South Florida, a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing outdoor meet-and-greet activities for Jewish people (and others), is hosting a Sailing on Biscayne Bay event today. No sailing experience is necessary, but a desire to learn is a plus. Grab your deck shoes and be prepared to sail away starting at noon at the Shake-a-Leg docks, 2600 S. Bayshore Dr., Miami. The cost is $27 for Mosaic members and $32 for nonmembers, which includes sailboat rentals, water, and snacks on all the boats. RSVPs and advance payments are required. Call 954-462-5846, or visit (LO)


Incendiary comedian Chris Rock noted, "If a friend calls you on the telephone and says they're lost on Martin Luther King Boulevard and they want to know what they should do, the best response is öRun!'" Despite the esteemed legacy of Dr. King as a man of peace, streets named after him can usually be found in neighborhoods where poverty and violent crime plague the residents. The fourth annual Unity March and Candlelight Memorial Service will acknowledge Dr. King's assassination and revitalize this local thoroughfare with inspirational speeches by community leaders and a rousing concert by the Mighty Clouds of Joy and the Williams Brothers. Enjoy a complimentary buffet after the musical performances. Come together this evening at 5:30 at the corner of Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and NW Sixth Avenue in the old Winn-Dixie parking lot. Call 305-757-7652. (PEGY)


The president of Urban Art Access, Heather Urban, is totally plugged into the art scene. "I work with these extremely high-end clients that come in from around the country, like the Guggenheim museum. So I have amazing relationships with phenomenal collectors and venues. Access 5 is really a way to make it all available to the people in Miami." Urban waxes poetic about Art Access 5, her annual series of events that bring contemporary art and international curators, collectors, dealers, and artists together to sip free drinks and learn from each other's expertise. Tonight, real-estate titan, Design District visionary, and art collector Craig Robins will give a private tour of his edgy artwork, with the assistance of his curator Tiffany Chestler. Learn more at 7:00 at the Buick Building, 3841 NE Second Ave., Miami. Admission costs $35. Interested art lovers are required to RSVP. Call 305-535-3006, or visit (PEGY)


Yeah, baby! He spent the last 30 years trapped, I Dream of Jeannie style, in a bottle of Tab. But now Super Groovy Secret Agent Awesome Powers has emerged from his carbonated prison to star in a fun and informative children's play brought to the stage by the Fantasy Theatre Factory. Don't worry, parents, this supercool Sixties dude is less interested in shagging, making people horny, and being a sexy beast than his more famous counterpart, Austin. This A. Powers recruits a helpful student, B. Green, to hunt the Garbage Menace, an unsavory character hell-bent on destroying the planet with pollution, endangering wildlife, and capturing do-gooder secret agents. Take the youngsters out for educational fun today at 10:00 and 11:30 a.m. at Fairchild Tropical Botanic Garden, 10901 Old Cutler Rd., Coral Gables. Tickets cost six dollars, and reservations are required. Call 305-284-8800, or visit (PEGY)

By Lyssa Oberkreser and Patrice Elizabeth Grell Yursik

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