Exiting Florida Governor Charlie Crist successfully talked the Florida clemency board into pardoning the departed Doors lead singer Jim Morrison from a 1969 indecent exposure charge. The legendary front man took out his penis during a Miami concert. Cynics, including Morrison's widow, call this a blatant attempt on Crist's part to ingratiate him to the voting baby boomer public by marrying himself to Morrison's libertine persona.
We, however, don't think Crist has gone far enough. Why stop at Morrison when there are so many more celebrities who have been arrested in Florida with dubious cause to be pardoned? We here at Cultist have stepped up to the plate as public defender to beg clemency for our following celebrity friends.
It seems as though DMX gets arrested every time the season changes. In 2008, alone he was popped for trying to buy marijuana and cocaine on multiple occasions, and that's just the charges he racked up in Florida. In Arizona, he got hit for reckless driving and animal cruelty. If Mister Crist pardoned Earl Simmons for his Florida crimes, it would give DMX much more free time -- free time that would likely go to serving prison sentences in other states. But, maybe we'll get lucky and DMX will make another It's Dark and Hell Is Hot, so long as he agrees to stay away from drugs... and cars... and animals...
While we don't want to condone drinking and driving, pardoning the Burn Notice star for his 2009 South Beach DUI where the actor rammed his vehicle into a cop car would be a nice gesture on Crist's part to acknowledge the boost given to Miami's film community by the USA series. Besides, maybe Donovan is a believer in method acting and took his role as a spurned spy too far, rationalizing that calling a cab may blow his highly secretive cover. And it would be a shame to punish someone for immersing themselves in the acting process.
If the Lizard King gets pardoned for whipping it out at a concert, Crist could at least do Pee Wee Herman a solid and pardon him for his similar transgression at a Sarasota adult theater in 1991. It's debatable if Reubens was actually masturbating when arrested. He pled no-contest before he could be subjected to an embarrassing court trial. And even if he was masturbating, you have to put it in perspective. There wasn't streaming porn available online to be indulged in private. If you wanted to watch porn, it was expensive VHS players or the theaters. Of course people masturbated in porn theaters. By the time they reached a place where they wouldn't be arrested for pleasuring themselves, the mood is killed. A pardon for Pee Wee would be the perfect capper for his comeback year.
Vince from ShamWow
The details of Vince Shlomi' 2009 South Beach arrest for prostitute battery might have been gruesome, but they also need to be put in perspective. Maybe Vince needed to see if the Sham Wow properly soaked up blood. Maybe the prostitute insulted the headsets Vince likes to wear in his infomercials. Scummy as it may be, pardoning Shlomi may help Crist out in the long run. Vince could put the soon to be ex-Governor in his labor of love, The Underground Comedy Movie. Maybe a cameo in the crass, late-night TV staple will do for Crist what it did for Lindsay Lohan: jumpstart his post-politics tinsel town career.