This Saturday, local comic Nery Saenz --New Times' Best Comedian of 2011
-- will achieve a rite of passage for any comedian: the recording of his very first comedy CD. He'll be dusting the cobwebs off some of his older material and officially retiring it -- or "burying it," in comedian-speak -- and integrating new material about his 9-month-old daughter.
Example: "My wife gets very emotional, thinking about our daughter's first day of school and the first day she'll ride a bike. I get very emotional and start crying, because I keep thinking that someday, some dude's going to bang my daughter. The worst part is that the dude [who] will bang my daughter is 1 year old now. So every time I see a one-year-old boy, I just want to shake him and say, 'Don't you ever touch my daughter!'"
Saenz is known for his autobiographical comedy style, but we thought we'd ask him to look beyond himself and ponder life's most pressing topics: stuff like the 2012 elections, iPod guilty pleasures, and his preferred Lisa Lampanelli ethnic slur.
New Times: If you weren't a comedian, what would you be doing with your life?
Saenz: Pursuing my other dream of opening a drive-in adult film store. It'll have great prices, but car tints will be a must.
What's the funniest thing about South Florida?
The douchebag dudes that wear cowboy boots. It's Miami, so unless you own/ride a horse, stop it!
Lisa Lampanelli has praised your comedy, a high honor indeed. What ethnic slur would you most like Lampanelli to level at you, and why?
Well, as a fellow-comedian, when the "Queen of Mean" calls me a "Spic," my heart gets that little fuzzy feeling. You know, the same one the Klan gives me when a burning cross is placed on my lawn.
If you made it onto Saturday Night Live, what celebrities or original characters would you most want to play?
I'd love to play "Rico", an original character that shows what happens to a "Latin Lover" when his body ages, but his Viagra-laced libido hasn't. So basically, a guy from Hialeah. What can I say? We write what we know.
Comics recently roasted Roseanne Barr on Comedy Central. If you were there, what joke(s) would you have told?
What can I say about Roseanne Barr that hasn't been written on the bathroom wall of every McDonald's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Arby's, Carreta, Fritanga, Pollo Tropical ... you get it, she's fat! But seriously, Roseanne looks good. She'd look hotter in a Caja China. Seriously, did you leave your Caja China in the car?
Tell me an original joke about airline food.
I would, but I'm a broke comedian in the year 2012. So the only "airline food" that I've had is the $18 bag of M&Ms and that $43 1/4 can of Diet Coke I can afford. Hey Delta Airlines, how about you lower your damn prices? Or better yet, you think I can keep the entire can of soda?! I'm 30 years old, I think I can handle a whole 12-oz. can of soda.
What's the worst show/audience you've ever had?
I once performed in a barbecue restaurant, literally next to the counter where all the servers grabbed the food orders from the kitchen, for a group of 80+ year olds who had no idea "comedy" was scheduled. Not that it mattered, because they were too busy trying to figure out how to eat barbecue wings without the Polygrip from their dentures giving way.
What's the strangest mispronunciation of your name that you've heard?
Daily conversation I had when I used to worked at a call center:
Me: Thanks for calling, my name is Nery, how may I help you?
Me: Actually sir, its Nery.
Me: No, Nery.
Me: Yeah, Mike.
What's the most embarrassing thing on your iPod/iTunes?
I'm not embarrassed at all. I love cheesy pop music. Katy Perry, New Kids on the Block, N'Sync, the John Stamos song "Forever" from Full House, I love it all. Well, except for Lil' Wayne. I do have standards, you know.
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Thinking purely as a comedian, who would you prefer to win the 2012 election?
Purely as a comedian? Well, Barack is black. But Romney has such fantastic hair! Seriously, have you really looked at it? He's got that excellent Mexican hair. But as a broke comedian, I'd chose the black guy who takes from the rich to give to the poor. So yeah, I'd take black Robin Hood.
Saenz will perform at 8 and 10:15 p.m. Saturday (August 25) at the Miami Science Museum Theater, 3280 S. Miami Ave. Admission costs $10. For tickets and information, call 305-562-6025 or visit havenotscomedy.com. For more on Saenz, pick up of the August 23 edition of Miami New Times.
-- John P. Thomason