NBC's Escape Routes Hits Miami And Makes New Times Famous... Kind Of

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Week after week, I recap and report on shows like Dance Moms: Miami and Basketball Wives. But after last weekend, well, it might be a little hard for me to judge them so harshly. After appearing on NBC's Escape Routes, now I know all the struggles of fame.

....Or not. Saying I had a 20 seconds of fame is an understatement. Let me explain.

As I wrote last week, I had the opportunity to judge NBC's new show, Escape Routes. It's a little Big Brother, a little Amazing Race. Full disclosure: When I was approached to take part in filming, I didn't know too much about the show's premise. But I'm like a Kardashian: I will use any excuse to be on national TV.

During the day of shooting, I arrived off 96th and Collins Ave at this massive mansion with six brand new Ford Escapes parked outside. Along with the rest of the judges, I was told to be there at noon, and not to avoid advancing the Miami stereotype, I arrived around 12:05 p.m. -- aka totally on time. The other judges showed up around 12:30 PM. Just saying.

Once we were all on site, we got miked and got the run down: We would be judging a dance competition. Finally, my Dance Moms experience pays off! They also told us that the day before, the contestants had completed a water jet pack competition. Um, where was our invite for that?

After about an hour of rehearsals, the cast arrived. Let me really break down to you who these people are:

Wilson & Sharon: I should have given them a perfect score based on the fact they were the only team from Florida. But sadly, I couldn't. Their dance genre was ballet, and they were a hot mess. Later, we interviewed them and instantly became obsessed. Sharon is that crazy chonga you cant help but keep around, and Wilson is one of the sexiest people we have met in a while. No wonder production made use judge their dancing before the interview.

Chekesha & Tiffany: I would make fun of them, but they are both pushing six feet tall and are ready to hit a bitch at any minute. So while I didn't, in fact, love them, I won't say anything negative -- for my own safety.

Drew & Derek: Where do I begin? They might be a tad short and a little too energetic for my taste, but still: what I wouldn't do to them if given the chance. Rowr.

Tara & Bre: There is a very good chance you hated a Tara or a Bre at one time in your life. They are both gorgeous, really funny, and apologized for looking "so sweaty" post-competition -- even though I had no idea what they were talking about. They are literally the whitest girls I have ever met, and still pulled off their breakdance challenge. Yes, we love to hate them.

Iris & Terrence: The very definition of the "fabulous gay and even more fabulous girl best friend" stereotype. Before Terrence even got out of the van, he was loose-wristedly waving to us like it was the last thing he was going to do on earth. Did I give them a 10 on the dance challenge? I sure did.

Brett & Ross: They are part charming, part obnoxious duo -- two guys with the kind of chemistry that made me pretty sure they have one time or another made out "drunk" at a party.

The contestants performed, we all hugged, and they left. It was very much a one night stand feeling. Not like I have ever had one. (Hi, Mom and Dad!)

Then came Saturday evening -- my time to shine on network TV. For the first time in years, I decided to stay home, have a small watch party, and break out the champagne. Why wouldn't I go all out for the Korbel? It was my big TV debut, right? Wrong.

I was on TV for all of about 30 to 45 seconds. Actually, when I walked in the house, I looked like I was mildly constipated. (Just to clarify, I was not.) But hey, an appearance on national TV is an appearance on national TV. My nana was proud and Miami New Times got a shout out.

By the way, dear editor, where's my raise for getting us some free publicity?

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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