While Transformers 3: Dumbass Subtitle rocketed its way to
the number one box office spot this holiday weekend, we were
less than enthused with the film. The solution seems clear as day to us: quit
it with the lame robots.
And since we clearly have the ear of Mister Michael
Bay (are you free for lunch this week, sir?), we have decided to
use our privileged position to suggest some autobots and decepticons that may
breathe some life into the stagnant franchise.
One of our biggest complaints about the Transformers franchise is that the robots quite frankly lack personality. We can't tell Optimus Prime from Bumblebee or Jazz from Razzmatazz. A Maybach transformer, naturally voiced by none other than Mr. Ricky Rozay himself, would give the transformers all the personality they need. Imagine a tattooed, big-bellied Autobot who one minute battles the Decepticons and the next blows money fast at King of Diamonds while trying to move bricks undetected by his arch nemesis.
Unmarked Cop Car Transformer
We find it hard to get too angry at the Decepticons featured in the franchise, no matter how destructive or dickish they act. Maybe it's because we don't hold too many ill feelings for motor vehicles, but the thought of a Decepticon that transforms from an Unmarked Cop Car gets our blood boiling. The Unmarked Cop Car could impede the heroic Autobots under the guise of upholding law and order, while secretly harboring a more sinister agenda. It's eventual demise at the hands of Shia and the crew.
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'88 Volvo Transformer
Maybe it's jealously, but we just plain don't like all of the sleek, out of our price range, cars beautifully photographed for the Transformers films. How about a Transformer we can relate to? An 88 Volvo with a cassette of Lisa Loeb's "Stay" forever stuck in it's tape deck could provide a gust of nostalgia and a character everyone can root for. Best of all, the Volvo can finally work the classic action movie line "I'm getting too old for this shit" into the franchise.
The Transformers franchise has been heavily criticized by many for pandering to the spend happy demographic of pubescent teenage boys. What better way to combat those complaints then putting in a transformer to appeal to the older mom demographic? Minivan Transformer would be strong and sensible, standing tall alongside her male Autobot companion while still getting the kids to soccer practice. Sexist? Sure. But probably still preferable than the Shia LaBeouf love storyline with whatever Victoria's Secret model deemed worthy enough.
Because it's about damn time these movies recognize the millions of Americans (not to mention Miamians) who have to utilize public transportation every day! Metrorail Transformer could prove to be the mightiest transformer of all, one whose allegiance could be obscured throughout the film. Perhaps its benevolence in helping so many people get to where they need to be would make it an Autobot, or it's over crowdedness, tardiness and lack of convenient stops would make it the most heinous Decepticon of all. Which is it? That's why they call it a cliffhanger, you got to buy a ticket to the next installment of the franchise...