Miami's Top Public Sex Spots: Five Places to Get It On in the Open

If you really think about it, the only thing separating most private sex acts from the public realm is just a thin layer of drywall and people's puritanical inhibitions. Does that thought excite you? If so, you're not alone — a lot of folks derive increased pleasure from the danger of being caught having sex in public.

While we don't condone criminal acts (unless they're hilarious), we've compiled a list of the best places to bang wildly in public. Please keep in mind, these ideas are for educational purposes only. We're not responsible if you end up on the sex offender registry because you pulled your dong out in Kendall Ice Arena.

Note: Your definition of a "public place" may vary; for example, some people believe having sex in your car at a

drive-in theater is public, whereas we like to think of our automobiles as tiny, private mobile homes. For the purposes of this article, we'll

only consider it public if an object not owned by you or your partner

grazes your ass cheeks.

libraries since the Ancient Greeks invented library masturbation, so

it's only logical to suggest couples get in on the, um, action. In order

to pull this off, you'll need to assure yourself of a few things.

First, there can't be any cameras around, or you'll be Pee Wee Hermaning

your ass to the nearest clink. Second, screamers need not apply. Third,

it's best if you do it in an aisle with shitty books, so no one with the

intelligence to realize what you're doing is likely to walk by.

The shelves where they stack all those stupid vampire romance novels are

a good place to start.

All-out fucking might be difficult unless you find the right spot, but a recent short film with boner-inducing properties featuring Mila Kunis and Zoe Saldaña taught us that fellatio and finger play are not only possible, but encouraged.

This rates about a 7 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.

Public parks
This

one's a no-brainer, but take nothing for granted. Your success depends

on the park, its size, and its location. For example, you can get your rocks off in the Everglades, and the only ones who may catch you would

be the Bang Bros. guys filming the same shit a few meters away. However,

try that at the top of the bullshit mountain in Tropical Park, and

you're going to jail. And while public restrooms technically meet our

"public place" criteria, we're gonna go ahead and call it cheating. Man

up and roll around in the grass.

This rates about a 5 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.

At the beach
It

can be easily done at night on the sand, or during the day in the

water. But fair warning: You might want to ask your gynecologist about

possible ill-effects of Miami Beach salt water getting all up in you.

(We haven't consulted with a doctor, and WebMD has very little

information on "sea water drilled into pussy.") If that's too risky for

you, wait until the evening and have yourself some sex on the beach

under the moonlight and the eight stars the big city light pollution

allows you to see.

Hey, it's gotta be a good idea because there's

even a drink named after it, right? Then again, Bloody Mary is named

after sex during menstruation.

This rates about a 6 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.

Someone else's house
You

can't just be house-sitting or something; the owners have to be there.

This is the only instance in which having drywall between your naked

bodies and the unsuspecting eyes of others still counts as public.

Exceptions: stupid high school and college parties where they set aside

rooms for that sort of debauchery. It only counts if you're in a group

of level-headed adults with mortgages and careers who invited you over

for a game night, then one partner excuses himself to use the restroom,

and you excuse yourself to make a phone call. Then bam, you two are

doing the unholy on the carpet in their den with no door. That's what

we're talking about.

This rates about an 8 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.

Church
Literally

the Holy Grail of public fornication, churches are notoriously

difficult places to get off. First of all, you know you're unequivocally going to

burn in Hell for the act, even more than you already would just for

being Jewish or Muslim. There's also the fact that churches have the

best acoustics of all buildings. Every little moan is going to echo

through the pews. Not to mention the dying Jesus Christ hanging above

you on a cross — if you can stay horny while looking at that, then

you've got a whole different set of issues you need to work out.

This sort of thing is reserved for the more die-hard couples, priests and altar boys included.