Miami vs. Dallas in a Cultural Seven-Game Series

Tuesday the Miami Heat will battle the Dallas Mavericks for the second time in five years. While sportscasters debate exactly how LeBron is going to disembowel Dirk Nowitzki, Cultist examines these cities by their cultural sensibilities to uncover the real winner.

Riptide already did a good job of telling you why Miami is a better city than Dallas in general terms, but here's the cultural perspective: Dallas might be the shining star of Texas but Miami is the black hole of Florida. Wait. What? What we mean is that Dallas was the home of America's Team while Miami now has the team all America hates. Again, that doesn't help. Read on to see how Dallas matches us in culture.

7. Mark Cuban versus Miami Cubans
Both can be colorful, loud, with a penchant for complaining of mistreatment, and a paranoid habit of seeing conspiracies where there are none. Maverick owners Mark Cuban and Miami's Cuban community have some real similarities. And they both are known for their dancing, well, sort of. Cubans invented the mambo and can get down with the best of them. Mark Cuban, on the other hand, was on the fifth season of Dancing with the Stars.

Winner: Cubanitos

2. BBQ Ribs versus Croquetas
Without steppin' on Short Order's toes too much, we'd just like to talk about the cuisine in both cities. Dallas is in Texas, which means its heavy into barbecue. And while Cultist admits to have a weakness for some baby back ribs, really there is no comparison with the variety and quality of cuisine offered in the Magic City. Our heavy Latino, Caribbean, and even European influences make our cuisine more diverse and let's face it more complete. Sorry Big D.

Winner: Croquetas (Loser: Your arteries!)

1. Unrealistic television
Apparently, Dallas has a lot of reality television shows lined up to start filming in the city with Bravo, Style, and Logo channels all filming there in the near future. But stop it. The city has so far to go to try and catch up with Miami's lamentable reality history cache (Jersey Shore, Basketball Wives, Real Housewives of Miami, Miami Social, etc.), it's barely worth mentioning.

Winner: Miami wins, but that really means we lose.

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Sebastian del Mármol