Yeah, we know what you are thinking. Parade? Doesn't the Miami Heat have to win the championship, or even a third game, first? Nah, that's just how we do. We celebrate the season before playing a single game. Then we party like it's 1999 when we beat the Boston Celtics in the Conference Semifinals. So we thought it appropriate to go ahead and announce our suggested parade route before our championship hatched.
It looks like somebody is already planning a parade route on Craigslist, but we are fairly certain the Heat wouldn't divulge it, at least not to us. We're sure they don't want to come off like the cocky 2006 version of the Dallas Mavericks who suffered premature celebration after being up two games, only for their members to play flaccidly the rest of the series. And no, it doesn't happen to everybody Dirk! Read on for a map of the parade route and 10 stops.
10. Living Care Retirement Home, 380 Northwest South River Dr.
Gotta make sure the ancient Boston Celtics get an up close view of the trophy.
They'll never get this close to it again. Maybe we can swing by Jackson
Hospital also. We hear Rajon Rondo's elbow is still there.
9. Chicago Bulls Forward Carlos Boozer's New Condo
Boozer quietly bought a $2.35 million condo in Miami earlier this year,
just before the Bulls got de-horned by the Heat. Too bad he couldn't
keep his big mouth shut during the Bulls-Heat series. On second thought,
we'll just talk a lot about swinging by Boozer's pad and never show up,
kinda like him in the Conference Finals.
8. Chuck E. Cheese, 20335 Biscayne Blvd.
This stop is for Charles Barkley. The round mound of bad pronunciation
(admittedly, that was tuurrible!) has badmouthed the Heat all year and
then tried to downplay his distaste. Chuck might finally be able to win a ring from the 50
cent toy dispensers and he can load up on greasy pizza.
7. German Consulate, 100 North Biscayne Blvd.
We'll drop by to give Dirk's countrymen our condolences. The big German
is great but obviously they still haven't translated White Man Can't
Jump into Deutsche, or he would know better than to try and hit a game winning shot on
Miami hood rat Udonis Haslem.
6. Miami Christian Academy, 200 MCS Victors Way
A quick stop to see if we can find diminutive Mavericks' point guard J.
J. Barea his shot from his old high school. It's been missing all
NBA Finals series.
5. Opa Locka Airport, NW Lejeune Rd.
Jason "Jet" Terry has been looking more like a propeller plane in the NBA Finals but that hasn't stopped him from talking smack throughout this series despite being
manhandled by the Heat's defense. He's having so much trouble taking
off that we suggest an alternate airport.
4. Versailles Restaurant, 3555 SW Eight St.
Mark Cuban, the loudmouthed Mavs owner has been surprisingly quiet for
the NBA finals (at least so far). We feel a little bad about handing him
another NBA finals loss, so we're going to treat him to a real Cuban
3. The Clevelander, 1020 Ocean Drive
Yeah, for all the Cleveland Cavalier fans and especially that fatheaded
owner who promised the world that the Cavs would win a title before the
Heat. Hey Dan Gilbert, not exactly working out for you like as planned. At
least they can enjoy the view of the Atlantic Ocean instead of Lake Erie
2. LIV Nightclub, 4441 Collins Ave.
Honestly, we just want to see if LeBron's mom will go slap happy on some poor valet again.
1. Score, 727 Lincoln Rd.
Had to be. The second LeBron uttered his most infamous phrase there
could only be one final stop for the Larry O'Brien Trophy. Where on
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South Beach? How bout Score on Lincoln Road, in honor of Joakim Noah.
Have any other suggestions for the parade route? Hit us up in the comments. You won't win anything
except a chance to jump on the Miami Heat's arrogance bandwagon.