Louis C.K.'s Grossest Jokes About His Daughters' Vaginas and Pooping Habits

It was a very strange thing when Louis CK scored a family sitcom on HBO called Lucky Louie. Why? Well, here was a guy who'd made his name telling the dirtiest, most depraved jokes about his wife and two little daughters -- crotch smell, toddler masturbation, borderline coprophilia -- and now he was playing Daddy Dearest in something that appeared to be a conventional three-camera, live-audience laughfest. This R-rated King of Queens got cancelled after only a single season.

Today, C.K. is -- surprise! -- divorced. And life as a newly single dad is the basis for his new show on FX, Louie, which is freer, filthier, and funnier than that earlier cable sitcom. To see C.K. uncensored, though, standup is still the only option. You can catch him at his rawest when he hits the Fillmore Miami Beach on December 10.

Peep the jump for some of C.K.'s sickest comic moments.

The Vagina and You: "When you have kids, as a guy, your relationship with the vagina just changes completely. It was always this mysterious, beautiful, little pouty thing that I only caught in glimpses in the dark, maybe three times in 40 years. And now I've got to clean shit out of two of them daily. I literally scrape shit out of my daughter's little red vagina a few times a day. Every time she takes a shit, it goes straight up her cunt."

Flashing Pink: "My four year old lays on the carpet, spreading it out, pulling it open like a Hustler mag. Like Marilyn Chambers. Just fucking yanking it open and just going like, "MEEEHHH!" She just lays there doing that because that's what people want to do. I mean, the happiest I've ever seen any person is her laying on the floor pulling her vagina open for the world. I look at her and I realize, "That's a human being. That's a human being who's happy." And for some reason, that's not OK. I have to inhibit that so she won't be homeless. I have to explain to her that vaginas when held open hurt people's feelings."

Family Scat: "I was taking a shit the other day and my wife was out of the house. So I have to shit with the door open 'cause I have to watch my kids. Otherwise, I have to gather them in to watch Daddy shit. That's the only alternative. So I'm shitting with the door open and I'm watching my daughter who's standing there in a t-shirt and no diaper. I'm watching her from behind and just a little dark spot appears between her butt cheeks. Honestly, for a second, I didn't realize what it was because I've never just seen an ass shitting in the open. Then the next thing I know a fucking man-sized crap just fucking ... She shits on the floor and then -- keep in mind I'm shitting at the moment -- she slips on her own shit, falls deeply into it, and cracks her head. Now she's lying in her own shit and crying her eyes out 'cause she got hurt. And I, with shit hanging out of my ass, have to get up and wobble over. I gotta do the penguin walk and pick her up and comfort her. We're both covered in my shit, her shit. The dog is trying to lick it off because the dog loves my daughter's shit. That's my house."

Louis C.K. at the Fillmore Miami Beach, 1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. The shows starts at 8 p.m. on December 10, 2010. Tickets cost $33 via Livenation.

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S. Pajot