This week, the E! network opted to inflict two back-to-back episodes of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami on the world instead of its usual weekly dose of faux-real family nitpicking. What was the rush? A spat between Kim's friend Jonathan Cheban and Kourtney that quickly escalated into physical violence.
The two began arguing about business, but before long they were hurling personal insults at each other: "You're so far up Kim's ass," "Scott will never marry you," etc. Then Kourtney slapped Cheban across the face.
Yawn. In the world of television, a slap fight is the reality-TV equivalent of killing off a minor character on a scripted show -- a cheap, easy, expected ploy for attention. The reality TV genre relies on its stars' weird and wacky antics to survive, but when it comes to the way those stars express themselves through violence, it seems there's really only one option: a smack across the face.
That just doesn't seem fair. For the sake of the Kardashians, Housewives, and other D-list celebrities of the world, we have a few suggestions for mixing things up.
Flavor of love - New York vs Pumpkin - Spit scene by Jahky-o
5. The Velociraptor
All artists look to their forefathers for inspiration. And the forefather of today's reality TV shows is Flavor Flav. The highlight of all three seasons of his dating competition show Flavor of Love? Pumkin spitting on New York. Bodily fluids are a real step up in the violence on film department, because not only are they unexpected, they're also super gross. Think of it as two birds, one loogie.
4. The head-butt
Remember when Zinedine Zidane head-butted Marco Materazzi? So does the rest of America -- despite the fact that it happened seven years ago, between two athletes most of the country had never heard of before, during a soccer game. A soccer game, people. That right there is proof that head-butting makes an impression.
3. The knee to the groin
Shots to the balls are Hollywood's favorite slapstick meme. From Caddyshack to America's Funniest Home Videos to Jackass, we just love watching dudes take it in the sack. It ranks among our basest pleasures in entertainment -- just above reality TV. You'd think the two would intersect more often.
2. The titty-twister The lady version of getting kicked in the balls. We're an equal-opportunity blog.
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1. The roundhouse kick
Difficult? Yes. Unlikely? Sure. Tough to pull off in heels and a miniskirt? You betcha. But just imagine if instead of slapping Jonathan Cheban across the face, Kourtney Kardashian had whipped him across the head with her foot, Mortal Kombat-style. The whole Internet would've exploded. WITH AWESOMENESS.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.