Well, Kourtney Kardashian, you can't say we didn't warn you.
We knew that Kim Kardashian's pregnancy would bring out the worst of the world's mean preggers comments. And in the two-night premiere of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, which ended last night, sisters Kim and Khloe got a head start on the competition, jumping all over Kourtney for everything from body odor to wanting to spend time with her kids.
And that's extra sad, because if Kourtney weren't a member of the Kardashian clan, she'd probably be celebrated as a strong female -- dare we say, feminist? -- role model. She chooses to raise her kids alone in Miami to prevent baby daddy Scott Disick from going on a bender. She takes charge at the sisters' DASH boutique. She stands up for herself against days of insults and insinuations from both Khloe and Kim about her appearance, her lifestyle, and her personal hygiene.
We're in your corner, Kourtney, even if nobody else is.
Kim, on the other hand, spends the entire two-episode arc talking about babies. First, it's her new "fur baby," a kitten gifted to her by baby daddy Kanye. They name the kitten Mercy, and this is exactly how they came to that decision:
Kanye: "How about Mercy?"
Kim: "That is such a cute name oh my god her name is Mercy."
Please let this also be the way they decide the name of the Kimyetus.
Kim predictably loses the kitten during a drunken night out. (Don't worry; it's saved by Kim bestie Jonathan Cheban.) But perhaps that's just foreshadowing a life of forever childlessness for Kim, whose doctor tells her that her chances of getting knocked up are similar to the average 50-year-old woman's. Oh my god, you guys, will Kim Kardashian ever get pregnant? The future is so uncertain! (Producers: You know we know, right?)
In other manufactured story arc news, DASH the boutique is disorganized, poorly laid-out, and dirty. So, it's just like all the other shops on South Beach. The sisters stand around and yell at their employees, and then invite them all over to their suite at the Eden Roc to get hammered and wake up Saint Kourtney's kids. Yawn. When do the sisters move to the slums of North Miami?
Scott Disick shows up in Miami despite Kourtney's "stay at home, avoid douchebaggery" mandate, and actually seems chill, even when evil sisters Kim and Khloe try to give him jello shots and make him drive their drunk asses around South Beach at 2 a.m. Then he discovers Chapman Ducote, an older, less weasely, possibly more botoxed version of himself, and trades drunken nighttime benders for sober daytime auto racing. Kourtney's against Scott's racing habit at first, which seems unreasonable until her fears of her baby daddy getting hurt are justified when Scott wrecks one of Chapman's cars on the track. But all Lord Disick has to say is, "Hey, baby, it's all cool, I just need you to understand my passion, and also you've had raunchy B.O. for, like, months now, so maybe you do you and I"ll do me," and Kourtney's giving in. It'd be disappointing if we cared whether Scott gets concussed or not. Race away, Lord Disick.
And now, a few moments that have nothing to do with anything:
Most entertaining moment: Kim holds Kourtney's baby, which simultaneously sneezes and farts directly on her. Scott Disick calls it a "snart."
Moment of zero self-awareness: Khloe and Kourtney walk on the South Beach boardwalk and pass a woman power-walking in a bikini. "That is some confidence right there," says Kourtney, a woman who has bared her life and the lives of her family on TV for all to see.
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Genuinely the saddest moment ever: Kourtney to Kim at dinner: "I can't wait for you [Kim and Kourtney] to have babies so you guys can relate to me again."
Moment that'll make Kanye think twice: "I would die if I had kids." --Kim Kardashian.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.