"Miami, the Kardashians are here!"
It's a warning, a threat, a declaration of citywide takeover, another step in the reality tv family's march to worldwide domination. But it's also the line that opens E!'s new preview of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, shouted by chipmunk-voiced new baby mama Kim Kardashian as she dives into a swimming pool and emerges with her best Bo Derek impression.
We've watched E! peddle its Kardashian wares for long enough to know the formula for promo clips, especially when it comes to shows set in Miami: Someone's getting slapped in the face (in this case, a random dude). Someone's falling into a pool (in this case, Scott Disick, definitely of his own accord, and possibly because he's drunk). People are yelling threats at each other (Kim to Kourtney: "Don't you EVER say that to me again"). It's all spliced together with scenes of champagne, boats, and the South Beach skyline.
I'm not going to make the easy joke about how the Kardashians were forced to live a good distance away from that famous skyline. And I'm not going to offer any sexist snark about mood swings or pregnancy hormones that may have contributed to the manufactured "drama" debuting Jan. 20 in a "two-night premiere event." (Even though, as the trailer points out, "This is, like, crazy.")
It's probably not crazy. Not crazier than anything else in this topsy-turvy world where up is down, black is white, and DIY porn stars can become millionaires through the sheer power of oversharing, anyway. But that doesn't mean millions of people won't watch, tucking themselves into bed each Sunday night with visions of Kimye dancing in their heads.
Instead, I'll just say this: Miami, you have been taken. Again. Hell, we even gave you the keys to the city. But look on the bright side: At least there's a kitten this season.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.