We l-o-v-e Kathy Griffin, we mean it. We have loved that tiny little ginger through it all. We loved Griffin pre-nose job when she was
occasionally on Seinfield. Even Suddenly Susan, The Mole, Celebrity Mole
and yep, even when she told Jesus to suck it, we adored her and
even bought all the shit she is constantly pushing on the merch tables.
when we got the chance to see her last night at the
Arsht Center, we jumped at the chance. And when we mean jump, we mean we
begged. We couldn't have been more excited to see her, but we might
have been the only ones. The top section did look a little empty. But
we're going to blame the weather for that. Honestly, it looked like a goddamn twister was about to hit the 305.
And in the spirit of talking everything My Life on the D-list, never in our lives have we felt more A-list. Thanks to her people, we sat second row. And we don't mean just any second row. Elaine Lancaster was three people down (in the first row,) Real Housewives of Miami star Marysol Patton was two seats behind us and the goddess that is Gloria Estefan was sitting directly behind.
In true Kathy Griffin style, she came right on time. Well, about 10 minutes behind, but it's Miami--she knew she could get away with it and she even had a hilarious montage of her life to get the show started. But one thing we were surprised about was the fact that she stayed right on track with just a few subjects. But also how long her show was--from what we heard from one of the concession stand men, she ran about 40 minutes over. You came and paid for a show, she was going to give you one.
Her show was one-night only, but should she come into town again, here are some things to keep in mind:
She is 50 and hotter than you.
The woman's body is ridiculous. There literally isn't an ounce of fat on that body of hers. She came out in yoga pants and a "kath-eter" shirt (what her fans call themselves) and from someone who was sitting in the second row, her body is at good as it probably looked from the last row.
Straights to gays, everyone will enjoy themselves.
As we all know, she is pretty much a gay man and proud of it. But listen up straight men, you will think she is funny, too. She talked everything from George Lopez to Tiger Woods and his new child girlfriend, and even encouraged straight woman who brought their loved ones to take them home and give them some loving in the bedroom. A good laugh and a BJ? #winning
Beware, sensitive Catholics.
Are you a catholic that can't accept that your priest occasionally (and
we mean frequently) has "special time" with young boys? Yeah, we don't
encourage you to go to a Kathy Griffin show.
And because you likely missed last night's show, here are some highlights:
She left no Charlie Sheen stone unturned. His twitter rants, supposed "tour," and the fact that his hair possibly hasn't been washed in months. One thing she did mention was his comparison to Sarah Palin, which sorry tea partiers, we totally see the resemblance. REALLY think about it. They are kind of the same person. Attractive, but just talking a bunch of nonsense, doing their best to make sense.
She loves herself a Lohan of any kid, which by the way, we do too. She enjoys Lindsay, her 45-year-old looking sister, their father, and his camel balls. If she didn't, it would be a ginger on ginger crime. She mentioned even trading up her boozehound loving mother Maggie for Dina Lohan, which we completely support.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Yep, she went there. She talked about Kelsey, and Camille and her stripper past. And let us not even start how relieved Marysol Patton looked when she didn't talk shit about her, her mother, or their faces.
Anderson Cooper and Their NYE Special.
There is a good chance that if you go to see Kathy live, you like celebrity gossip. So if you pay for nothing else than her awesome back stage stories, it's worth it. Our personal favorite has to be all her tales of times with silver fox Anderson Cooper. Apparently, he stopped her from throwing $1,500 in dollar bills, AKA making it rain, over Time Square. Here is a direct quote from AC360: "Kathy, you're going to throw dollar bills onto 500,000 people in the middle of a recession while we're standing on shaky risers? Great idea. Just don't, please."
Oprah and Her Crazy OWN Shows.
It's hard for us not to type her name Oprahhhhh (said in Oprah voice). And Griffin loves her as much as we do. And not just Oprah, but her amazing new programming. And why we love Kathy: she wasn't afraid to talk about "Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes" and the fact 90% of her staff is fat. Oprah's new diet is called "fuck it," says Miss Griffin.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami