Justin Bieber Will NOT Be at Macy's on Black Friday

Despite what Macy's Black Friday commercial has led you to believe, Justin Bieber will not be at your local Macy's winking and smiling on the unholiest of shopping days.

Prepare yourself for antsy, kinda mobbish crowds still bloated from Thanksgiving dinner, and beware of shoppers carrying hammers, or knives. It happens. Black Friday has started to resemble the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont where one guy was stabbed to death.

No Black Friday shopping experience is as serene and mellow as those commercials would like you to think. Wherever you go, from Best Buy to Target, even Juicy Couture -- where there's this totally killer deal on a velour track suit that comes in, like, five colors -- there will be chaos. Doesn't that just make you want to do this:

Best Buy's advertisement that's been playing non-stop on Hulu these last few days is the closest depiction I've seen of what it's like to wait in line on Black Friday. As you stand in line digesting tryptophan-laden turkey, it's hard not to fall asleep, or think of giving up your place in line and heading to bed. At least South Florida isn't not nearly as cold as it is in, say, Wisconsin.

At Dadeland, the phone rings at Best Buy, and a sales associate, who gave only her first name, picks up. When I asked if there were lines outside her Best Buy, Frances responded, "Let me see. One second." A minute later she returned. "They haven't lined up." The manager wouldn't allow it. Maybe at another Best Buy, she suggested, but Dadeland is line-less for now.

She worked Black Friday last year, so she knows that come Friday morning, that'll change. "It's very crazy," Frances said. "There's a lot of people coming in and out. The lines are endless."

To put it mildly.

At another Best Buy up in Pembroke Pines, there were already two tents pitched in the parking lot by Sunday, CBS Miami reported. As normal people did their normal shopping, two groups of Black Friday fanatics held their places at the front of the line. It doesn't seem to matter to them, that when doors open early Friday morning, people usually do this:

There are, of course, a few exceptions to the rule. Adidas Y3, that totally Euro shop on Lincoln Road, they're not participating. "Not Y3, maybe Adidas," the sales associate said. "I don't know." The Europeans must be too cool for our most consumer driven American "holiday." On Friday, Y3 in South Beach will be surrounded by stores holding Black Friday sales, and Lincoln Road, which is packed on an ordinary day, will likely be flooded.

For those of you who think Black Friday is calm as the Justin Bieber Macy's commercial, well, you have another coming. I bet he'll be either hanging with girls who aren't you, or tucked in bed sleeping while shoppers bludgeon each other with hammers and flat-screen TVs. Don't fall for his boyish trickery; avoid the mess, and if you must shop, do it online.

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