Damn, Joan. First Robin, now you?
In her New York Times best-selling book entitled I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me, Joan Rivers wrote:
"When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes Melissa, everything's in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras and action -- I want Craft Services, I want paparazzi, and I want publicists making a scene!
"I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don't want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents...I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé's."
Sadly, that day has come.
Yesterday, the world got dimmer when we learned that America's snarkiest sweetheart, Joan Rivers, died at age 81. She was a pioneer, paving the way for future female comics to come. A fearless woman, she cared little about tip-toeing around people's feelings.
Her flight to fame first took off when she confronted the camera dead-on in The Ed Sullivan Show, and later warming a permanent spot on The Tonight Show. She eventually went on to host her own show, The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers.
But it was the E! Network's Fashion Police, anointing Joan as not only a critic, but also launching her into fashion sainthood. Her sharp commentary of whose dress on the red carpet looked most like Lady Gaga's vagina on a Saturday night was universally accepted -- her metaphors piss-your-pants worthy, delivered flawlessly and with such ease. Each show, Rivers came with a new face -- literally. And nobody could make fun themselves better than Joan could.
So instead of mourning Joan, why not laugh? Or better yet, turn to your neighbor with a big smile and comment on how detestable you think their shirt is, because that's what Joan would have wanted -- not your tears, your goddamn honest opinion. As we want you to carry on the laughter in Joan's name, we have compiled the slap happiest one-liners from Fashion Police, courtesy of our most beloved, mink stole lovin' fashion critic.
Fashion Police: The 2014 Golden Globes
Paula Patton in Stéphane Rolland: "She looks like she's wearing the wadded up Kleenex that you find next to a teenage boy's bed."
Margot Robbie in Gucci: "If the slit were any higher, than I think the Wolf of Wall Street would've been called the Beaver of Beverly Hills."
Michelle Dockery in Oscar de la Renta: "I thought she looked wonderful. I love the gold on grey; it reminded me of Lil' Wayne going down on Helen Mirren."
Fashion Police: 2014 MTV Movie Awards
Lupita Nyong'o in Chanel: "She looked like she was covered in more hard candy than you'd find in a pedophile's pockets."
Bella Thorne in Versace: "I haven't seen an under-aged girl so excited to see the color blue since the teen moms from MTV took their pregnancy test."
Pia Mia in her own design: "What the hell is going on here? Oh, come on; she looks like she starred in the South Central LA Public School production of West Side Story."
Fashion Police: 2013 Oscars
Sandra Bullock in Eli Saab: "The dress was busier than Kirstie Alley looking for Twinkies on eBay."
Helen Hunt in H&M: "She's wearing an H&M dress and she's wearing apparently about $700,000 in diamonds -- it's like dipping a two-inch penis into a bag of glitter."
Catherine Zeta-Jones in Zuhair Murad: "I like the start of the dress but then those curly-cues on the bottom -- there were more curly-cues then you'd find in Oprah's panties."
Vanity Fair has reported that Joan's funeral will be held at Temple Emanu-El in Manhattan this Sunday. RIP to the best satirical red-carpet commentator the world has ever met -- your absence will be felt.
Send your story tips to Cultist at email@example.com.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.