Let's go back a few years, to that classic Sex and the City episode, "Anchors Away." What drama did Carrie and company have to deal with that week? Who cared? All anyone could look at were the hot sailors, hot sailors, and more sailors taking over the Big Apple. Immediately, the nation's straight girls and gay guys became envious of any and all New Yorkers.
Here's the good news, Miami: South Florida has its very own Fleet Week, and it is officially under way. From today until May 1st, members of the U.S. Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard will be trotting all around Broward, having some fun while also raising money for nonprofits. Luckily, those hot men and women in uniform made their schedule public, giving you a weekend itinerary of stalking, snagging, and seducing one (or more) of your very own servicepeople.
But there's more to Fleet Week seduction than "howdy, sailor." We have some tips for you.
Head North
Yes, the boys (and girls) are in town! But the bad news for us 305ers is that all of their events are in Fort Lauderdale and beyond. So, put some gas in your car and get on I-95 N. And if you plan on hitting up the bars, remember: A $40 cab is much cheaper than a $3,000 DUI.
Get In Shape
Here is your "duh" of the day: All of these heroes are in crazy shape. So much so, the troops are hosting a 5K run to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project. We hear anyone with a running streak on the streets is a freak in the sheets.
Look Your Best
You realize all of these people have seen nothing but each other for last 9 months to a year, right? The worst part of it all -- even if there is a hottie in their group, it's forbidden for them to knock boots. Really, what we are trying to say is that plenty of these sailors are looking for a piece of Florida meat. And if you're reading this article, you're probably wiling to be grilled. Ladies, go get your nails and hair did. Boys, make use of your neighborhood barber.
Be Best Dressed
If you have ever seen a man (or woman for that
matter) in uniform, you know they are dressed to impress. We suggest you
do the same. Maybe even throw in a little red, white and blue for extra
effect? Or, like the lady above, get into character.
Do A Good Deed
These guys are not just here to party. Hundreds will be visiting local hospitals, churches, schools, and veterans' facilities. Plus, many will be pitching in to sort food at a Feeding South Florida food distribution center for the poor. Maybe your day will start with community service and end with cocktails? (Even if it doesn't, you'll still feel good about making a difference.)
Get Out Your Checkbook
Getting your hands dirty at the soup kitchen not your thing? You can also let your checkbook do all the work. For $75, civilians can watch the military's version of Top Chef as ship chefs battle in a cook-off using surprise ingredients during Galley Wars at Hugh's Catering in Oakland Park. To top it off, your ticket includes a pig roast and open bar.
Brush Up On Current Events
These commandos are out seeing the world and fighting for our country. Before you head out to any of these events, we suggest you spend at least a half hour on CNN.com. Oh, and maybe take a glance at a world map. If they tell you they have recently been to Austria and you follow that up with "Australia?" there's a good chance the next thing you will see is the back of their head as they are walking away from you.
Get Ready to Splish Splash
Most of these GIs are Navy. They spend a lot of time on the water, so there is a good chance they are going to want to actually get in. Ladies, you might want to head to the waxer, just in case.
Clean Up Your Digs
Our biggest hope is that all these tips help you find love (if only for a night) with some of the military's finest. Just keep in mind that if you're hooking up, you're doing it at your place. So before you go out on the prowl, pick that underwear up off the floor and throw away the stale chips that have been sitting on your couch since March. America will thank you.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
