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Is John Kerry the Biggest Badass in Congress?

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You remember John Kerry. He's the Massachusetts senator, the one with the snooty Yale degree, the hundred-dollar haircuts, and the hoity-toity heiress for a wife. When he ran for president in 2004, Republicans said he was too soft to lead our nation; he was a flip-flopper, a delicate guy with no stamina, a man who'd been so pampered his whole life that he was about as strong and intimidating as Prince Charles. And they made a pretty convincing case.

But we may have been horribly wrong.

Kerry showed up to President Obama's State of the Union address last night sporting two black eyes, looking less like a politician and more like an aging prizefighter. The Washington Post confirms that Kerry's nose was also broken, and that it was all the result of a pick-up hockey game between the senator and some friends. That didn't sound like the John Kerry we knew. But then we got to thinking about Kerry's history, his military service, and his personal life. And y'know what? The man's one tough mofo.

He's Irish Catholic in Massachusetts
Kerry isn't actually Irish -- his Hungarian ancestors changed their names when they converted to Roman Catholicism -- but the Kerry moniker has had everybody fooled for years. Isn't everybody Irish in Massachusetts, you ask? Well, yes. But being an Irish Roman Catholic politician in Massachusetts is essentially like being part of the mob. We wouldn't be shocked to find out that his black eyes were the result of an aggressive check by a recently escaped Whitey Bulger, in a hockey game that also included several members of the IRA.

His hobbies are mad macho
Windsurfing, hunting, playing bass guitar -- judging by how he spends his free time, Kerry's just another Midwestern frat bro.

He's a member of Skull and Bones
What, you didn't see The Skulls? (We are just kidding; under no circumstances should anyone see The Skulls.) It's a secret society of powerful dudes who meet in a goddamn tomb. We don't even want to think about what they do for hazing.

​He married an heiress
Think you don't have to be tough to marry an heiress? Then why haven't you married one? Truth is, Theresa Heinz probably had dozens of powerful men trying to get in on her fortune. And who beat 'em all down? John Kerry, that's who.

He's a celebrated Navy Lieutenant
This one needs no explanation: Kerry served in Vietnam, earning a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, and three Purple Hearts. Someone remind us why we thought he was wimpy again?

He's a Rocky Mountain man
Kerry's not originally a New Englander. He was born in Aurora, Colorado, known as the "Gateway to the Rockies." Did Kerry spend days as a youth whitewater rafting, scaling steep, craggy cliffs, and wrestling grizzlies with his bare hands? We may never know.

He wants his football
This might make us love him most of all. Kerry recently got involved in the Sunbeam-DirecTV dispute that recently interrupted playoff football for viewers in New England and South Florida. "If people in Boston miss the Super Bowl this year because of this dispute, I can assure you that it will lead more and more people to throw up their hands and say, 'a pox upon both of their houses,'" he publicly warned the companies' chiefs.

Better settle up, guys. Kerry doesn't mess around.

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