I Don't Care That She Has a Penis

Hello, Kitty: I'm a lesbian dating a woman who was born with both male and female parts. I learned about her "situation" after we'd been dating for two months. I'm not angry or upset — I'm falling in love with her. She says that she loves me too, but she doesn't show it. She's always mean to me, calling me names and saying that I'm bisexual because she has a penis and I'm interested in sexing her. And she's right. I am, but only because it's her. I don't see her as a man. What do I do? Should I stay or go? She's just really evil to me. She says that she only says those things because she gets mad. I believe she means what she says. Please help Kitty, I'm so confused.

Tue Ferone

Hey, Tue: Well, if you ignore that your girlfriend is a person who is intersex and just deal with the fact that she's causing you pain, you should absolutely leave this emotionally abusive person. You should never be in a relationship where the other person uses words to make you feel shitty. If "evil" is one of the qualities you like in a mate, so be it. However, you do seem to be hurt by the verbal attacks, so the question of leaving or staying seems to be solved: If it's painful, leave.

I do think it's worth mentioning that you're in a relationship with a person who could be full of deep-seated and private emotional trauma. Living with both sexual organs can't be easy. She's had to deal with not only persecution by a judgmental public, but her own feelings of self-doubt. Again, abuse is unconditionally uncool, but this may be the cause of some of her insecurities and the anger. Remember, this isn't your fault. Don't feel obligated to stick around and "fix her," because there are some issues that people just have to work out on their own. On the other hand, if your "love" is real, you'll have a conversation with her about it and offer support. Maybe no one has stuck around after she revealed her secret. If you truly love her, you won't let her push you away. If you truly love yourself, you'll make sure the abuse stops and that you're both moving toward some type of resolution.


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Raina McLeod
Contact: Raina McLeod