How to Win the Heart of Brazilian Supermodel Adriana Lima In Fourteen Easy Steps

Step one: Follow Adriana Lima on Twitter.

Step two: Read her plea for help: "Please help me find my beloved Ivy .... I am in tears ...."

Step three: See the picture of Ivy, after the jump, who is a dog.

Step four: Watch this WSVN news report about Adriana Lima's missing dog. Briefly worry about the state of modern journalism.

Step five: Stop worrying about the state of modern journalism, because: boobies.

Step six: Print out a poster-sized copy of Ivy's photo.

Step seven: Search for the dog, forgoing sleep; food; bathroom breaks; employment, gainful or otherwise; attending to any spouses or partners you may have; caring for your children, biological or adopted; or ensuring the safety of any pets you yourself may have. Do not be weak. Thousands of other Miami wooers will be doing the same thing. It's Survivor: Adriana Lima's Dog edition, and you came here to win.

Step eight: Find the dog chewing on a used hypodermic needle in a Little Havana alley.

Step nine: Strip naked, then don a skimpy bikini and brunette wig. This will help you gain the dog's trust. Call to it in your best Brazilian accent if it doesn't come to you immediately. (It will help if you carry a scent of lust and entitlement.)

Step 10: Bag that bitch.

Step 11: Call the number on the flyer from a throwaway cellphone.

Step 12: Set up a meeting time exactly one hour and 40 minutes from now. This will give you enough time to go home, shower, gargle, rid yourself of any unsightly body hair, do a couple sets of push-ups, and put on the tuxedo you bought for exactly this occasion.

Step 13: Don't forget to take off the wig.

Step 14: Meet Adriana Lima. Kneel, and present the dog to her like a ring. Watch as tears well up in her eyes. Tears of gratitude. Tears of love. When she permits you to rise, take her hand and lead her into her bedroom. The bed will be covered in rose petals and surrounded by white pillar candles, as is Adriana's custom. There, you will consummate your love, and also do that other thing you always think about when you're alone with her Victoria's Secret catalog, you know, the one your spouse or partner thinks is gross. Then, at last, you will be happy and fulfilled. The dog will be safe, Adriana will be yours, and the whole world will be at peace.

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