How to Waste Time at Work While Everyone Else Is on Vacation

Some of us got stuck at the office this week, a strange five-day limbo that falls between Christmas and New Year's. You may have blown your load on vacation days too early or your bosses just felt like acting like bosses and forced you to come in. So you should at least be productive, right? Screw that. After all, who are we kidding? Nobody actually works during this week, whether in the office or out on vacation.

Instead we show up late, take two-hour lunches, and leave 45 minutes early. (Hey, El Jefe! You're not reading this - are you?) In lieu of actual work. we do a little Facebook stalking, some YouTube action, and, if you are daring enough, some porn surfing at work (remember to keep thumb and index finger on alt + tab, respectively, to switch screens when co-workers approach). But wasting time at work can be hard work. So here's some tips on some ways to pass the time.


Go Elfyourself! No really. Not particularly original. Not crazy funny. Not all that worth spending

time on. In other words, it's a perfect time waster. This is just another

variation on PhotoShop-ing your mug to make

your likeness do silly things -- in this case dance, surf, and sing, all

while dressed like an elf. It's like watching Golden Girls reruns: You

laugh a little and before you know it you've spent half an hour that

you'll never get back. But at least you're not trying to better


4. Get Co-workers in Trouble

The only thing worse than being stuck at work is having to look at the

empty chairs of your co-workers who are vacationing. Sometimes the only

way to feel better is to make them suffer. There's always a couple of

absent workers who left their computers on or passwords accessible. By

logging on to their computer, downloading virus filled programs, surfing

bestiality websites, and printing out their resume, and leaving it in

the printer tray, you can ease the monotony of this work week. Even if you might go to hell for it.

3. Google Earth

You may be physically stuck to your work chair, but that doesn't mean

your brain can't take a vacation to other parts of the world. Especially

with Google Earth where you can fly around the work, and even float

over cities with 3-D graphics and relief features like mountains and hills. It's

mesmerizing and some historic time wasters actually once discovered a hidden military installation in China by spending valuable time Google Earth

surfing. We're not sure this happened during work hours, but you can spend a good 40 hours as armchair intelligence agents.


Not all time wasters have to be totally unproductive.

allows you to match your typing skills against similarly bored nerds in a

type-off. Here, your respective speeds are shown by racing VW Beetles. Or, you can just try to best your own typing speed. (Cultist

is at 71 words a minute). Although it is unproductive for your bosses,

it helps you build your typing speed (which might help when you go to

apply for a new job as a temp, which will likely be very soon).

1. Put Visine in Water Cooler

What's worse, being bored at work or being sick at home? If you chose

the latter, then you might want to consider dumping some Visine into the

office water cooler. Yeah, that scene in Wedding Crashers wasn't

a hoax. Visine in your drink will make you sick as a dog. So if you'll

do anything to get home with a good excuse, and don't mind possible

criminal charges if you are caught, take one for the team and dirty the

office drinking supply. For a slightly less egregious offense, dump a

bottle of Grey Goose into the water cooler, and await good times.

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Sebastian del Mármol