How to Survive Spring Break Without STDs, Trashy Tattoos, or Boob Sunburns

Throngs of coeds with duffel bags (or garbage bags -- we know how it is in college, we don't judge) packed full of thongs are about to embark on South Beach for spring break. Whoo!

And although the saying "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" applies to Sin City, here in Vice City (hey, Grand Theft Auto deemed it so), what happens in Miami, especially during spring break, gets splattered all over Facebook... just like your dinner on your shoes, in your hair, and all over the back seat of your roommate's car after one too many drinks. So here are five ways that lady spring breakers can visit the Magic City and return home unscathed.

Avoid Contracting an STD

Sure, participate in wet T-shirt or Look How Well I Can Grind This Guy's Leg for a 50 Percent Off Coupon at Chili's contests at one of the sleazy Ocean Drive hotels. But for the love of mojitos, stay out of their pools! And we know, WE KNOW, after hours of blazing heat and hearing one too many air horns, you might be tempted to jump into the cool teal water. But trust us: Don't take that plunge. There's no amount of chlorine that could clean those cesspools.

Keep Your Puppies in Tact

Once you step foot onto the South Beach sand (especially between First and Eighth streets), you'll notice a whole lot of boobies. Big boobies, small boobies, fake boobies, model boobies, hell, even soccer mom boobies. That's because we like to let our puppies breath in SoBe, and it's 100 percent socially acceptable (just so long as you're on the actual beach, not brunching at some café on Ocean Drive). It's your prerogative as to whether you want to go topless, but if you do, be forewarned. Most likely that part of your body doesn't see the light of day too often, so make sure you smear some sunscreen (we're talking 30 to 50 SPF, not 8, and definitely not baby oil) on your jugs. If you don't, expect burning and eventually peeling, and how are you going to rock a low-cut halter top with that kind of mess on your chest? People will think you've been swimming in one of those Ocean Drive cesspools.

Practice the Hand-Over-Your-Cup Method

We understand, it's superhard to remember to use a lid or to keep your hand over your cocktails at all times, especially when you're stoned, drunk, rolling, just took two whip-its,  and did a line of Pixy Stix some guy tried to pass off as coke. But if you want to get shitfaced and not wake up the next morning in a bathtub full of ice with a brand-new scar on your abdomen... or worse... be aware of what you're drinking at all times. If this seems like an impossible task, find a buddy and be accountable for one another.

Release Your Inner Girl Scout

You're planning on hooking up, right? If so, be prepared! Try to go clubbing with a purse larger than a clutch. Preferably one that fits a pair of sunglasses, plenty of cash, a condom or two, flip-flops (always a good idea when club-hopping, regardless), fresh panties, a toothbrush, baby wipes, mouthwash, and toothpaste (all travel size), and if you can, a light sundress (no wrinkles if you roll it rather than fold it). This way you can do the walk of shame the next morning incognito. No one needs to know your business, especially a cab driver. And they don't give Girl Scout badges for Undercover Slutiness, but really, they should.

Be Smart About Smoking Pot

We know that most college students take Down-Low Pot-Smoking 101 in their freshmen dorms (usually taught by Professor RA), but regardless of how many times you've watched Scarface, a cop in Miami will fuck with you if he sees you chilling with Mary Jane. Still, you can get away with smoking the illegal herb even when you're at the beach. Just go into the water, put your back to the shore, and puff away. Watch out for waves, and throw the evidence into the sea when you're done.

If You Get Drunk and HAVE to Get a Tattoo, Here's Where

Lucky Tattoo -- and remember, one lower-back butterfly tattoo per girl. Or if you want to possibly appear on an episode of Miami Ink, there's always Love Hate Tattoos at 1360 Washington Ave.

Sick of Getting Hit on Yet?

There are a few Jersey Shore types on South Beach who will hit on you nonstop. If you want to escape this, and dance your tail off, check out Twist. It's the longest-running gay club in Miami Beach. Just stay out of the downstairs cabana/tiki hut -- unless you like getting your ass squeezed by guys wearing nothing but banana hammocks.

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Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel