How to Party Like a Patriot This Fourth of July

Let's here it for the Fourth of July! Not only is it our

country's birthday (still looking great at 235 years old), but it is perhaps

the best holiday for partying while the sun is up.

Nothing beats rounding up

your posse for a day of hanging out, good company, and relishing that Summer

feeling. Unless the onus fell on you to organize your crew's party. Never fear,

because we here at Cultist have put together the ingredients for a foolproof

awesome Fourth of July party.


Beer is the standby for any decent Fourth of July party, however, we are going to have to throw our support behind grain alcohol as the official drink of your shindig. Cheap and powerful, grain alcohol goes well with iced tea, lemonade, punch, and virtually anything that you choose to throw it in.

You can even douse a watermelon with it for kicks. It will also leave you fearless to any potential burns that may come from handling the grill or fireworks while severely intoxicated.


Now that you've got a decent buzz going, it's time to kill time waiting for the food to cook and the sun to go down. The best way to beat the heat is with a pool and if you have one, congratulations, you prick. Thanks for never inviting us over for a swim.

The rest of us will have to settle for watching movies. Independence Day is a no brainer, but will only fill up three hours tops. We suggest finding whatever channel is showing all six Star Wars back to back for guaranteed entertainment. We hope they will show the original trilogy first so you can be tanked on grain alcohol before having to trudge through the prequels.


Sure we all pass by the dozens of tents that line US-1 in the weeks leading up to July 4th, chock full of promises of impressive firework displays at your fingertips. However, those of us familiar with local law know that the sale of airborne projectile fireworks (the ones that aren't shitty) is prohibited in Miami-Dade County.

You should still take advantage of these lesser firework sales and buy in bulk. While they may not shoot off into the sky, when set off several at a time these explosives can pack a punch. We suggest lighting some and putting them inside empty beer bottles. Dousing them with any excess grain alcohol is also an acceptable way to soup up these fireworks. (j/k, Don't do that last part.)


July 4th is the one day a year where we encourage our citizens to shout from our lungs about how great the USA is. The next logical step would be proving that all other countries suck. Mean-spirited and tasteless? Sure. But the Fourth is when xenophobia passes for patriotism, so you might as well get a year's worth of politically incorrect hating out in one day.

Mock those who bring non-domestic beer. Watch a few minutes of a soccer game and question who would follow a sport America can't dominate. Turn against your fellow partygoer and judge based on whose ancestors were in the country the longest. (Note: do not play with native Americans, they will win and make you feel bad about it.)


By sunset, your house party should be filled with drunks scarred by poor firework safety and amped up by patriotic movies and racial tension. Now is the time to mobilize your troops for an evening of professional fireworks. While there are many firework shows open to the public, we suggest finding the nearest private country club and piggybacking off of their upper class funded, exclusionary show usually held on their golf course.

Have a name you can drop if anyone questions your presence, ideally a member of the country club who you don't mind dicking over for not inviting you to their hoity-toity firework display. If any member of your party objects to this plan on moral grounds, draw a parallel to your situation and that of our founding fathers, who had to overthrow the yolks of servitude to the British Crown in the hopes of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Punctuate your argument by pointing out if our forefathers were reluctant in their rebellion, we would all be speaking the Queen's English and arguing over which Oasis album is the best. Enjoy your hard won -- if ill gotten -- firework display and contemplate on the beauty of freedom that can only be expressed by crashing a fancier party than your own.

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Drew Spears