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Hey, Single Ladies: Mate the Pain Away This Valentine's Day

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​It's February, and you're single as usual. You and all of the other dateless spinsters are just dying to get some action, but for whatever reason, you don't want to feel cheap.

Here's the truth: Ladies, you are cheap, and you're desperate. Embrace your situation, and enjoy life, you sad bastards! Besides, you're not alone in your sadness. The reason there's no better day to get laid than on Valentine's Day is that everyone single feels terrible on February 14. Those men are as weak and vulnerable as yourselves. Society has us convinced that no one will ever love any of us. What better to do than mate the pain away?

So give up on romance and hook up with a guy totally out of your lonely league by empowering yourselves with these tips this Valentine's Day.

Get out of the house, ya loser. (#internetstalker)This might seem like the most obvious suggestion ever, but you wouldn't believe how many people think that they'll be able to get laid on Valentine's Day by making drunk phone calls, sending blatantly sexual texts, or tweeting crotch shots. Everyone is out on the prowl, okay? Get up, get dressed, and get out. Bring a friend along or everyone will think (or know) that you're completely desperate and unlovable.

Wear something slutty and hide your ugly parts. (#nooneisperfect)
Maybe you're not the prettiest girl in the world. Perhaps your ankles are as thick as a grown man's thigh or your nose takes up most of your face. That's alright, because you can always just dress like a slut and guys will know you're DTF (down to freak). If you have boobs, show some cleavage. If you have an ugly face, show even more cleavage.

Get drunk but not so drunk that you end up weeping. (#:(isnotcute)
If you've ever spent a Christmas at a white person's house, you know that there is absolutely no excuse for not drinking on a holiday. Valentine's Day isn't for lovers, it's for getting shitty. Pretend you just turned 21, that this is Mardi Gras, and then walk your skanky stilettos up to the bar and order yourself and whoever is next to you a shot with a sexy name (red-headed slut if you're a red-headed slut, for instance). If you feel emotional, call it a night. None but the grossest of men or your evil ex will sleep with you if you are crying.

Just dance. (#goodtimessexy)
So we established that crying isn't sexy, but you know what is? Having fun. Even if you dance like a wind-up toy, just do it, and smile for God's sake. It will distract from any sloppy dance moves. Sexy pouting of lips is actually not sexy, so don't do it.

If you follow these four simple rules, your Valentine's Day will most probably include some drunken, awkward boot knocking. Everyone feels inadequate on this day designed to force us into conventional relationships. We all want to feel accepted. Just remember this when you're busting an Elaine, dressed like Anna Nicole Smith, taking body shots off of Ronnie: Your goofy ass will not be going home alone.

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