Oh, Orlando, good thing you've got your beautiful lakes. Otherwise you'd be cage fighting Ocala for the title of Florida's Official Crotch Wart. And speaking of a nasty, unexplainable rash that won't go away, Casey Anthony's murder trial is in full swing in the birth place of 'N Sync.
And the human equivalents of blisters are popping up for a chance to witness the hottest toddler murderess in the Sunshine State get the death sentence. These murder trial fans are about as classy as they come. Check this video in which two men who cut in line for trial tickets were confronted by others already waiting in line (who, at 5:45 a.m. clearly hadn't had their morning hit of meth yet) and a fight broke out.
Up until this point there had only been crowd stampedes for the courtroom's coveted 50 spots allotted for the public.
But if you have lust in your heart for limited conjugal visits with a 25-year-old prison pen pal with hate in her heart for adorable little girls that like to call her "mommy," don't fret. We've got a few MMA-style wrestling moves you can use in order to bully your way into Anthony's courtroom:
The Bimbo Bamboozle:
Find a girl with a hot body, put her in a Budweiser string bikini, and have her dance for everyone in line. Hand her a beer bong and have her feed the amber elixir to everyone ahead of you in line. Then once everyone is in a catatonic state, place Chinese finger cuffs on the index fingers of everyone in front of you in line. When the pretty lady stops dancing and the sexy-spell wares off, they'll be sidetracked by them tricky thingiemabobbers on their fingers for hours. How else are they gunna pick their noses/butts/gnats out of their teeth, wrestle a gator, or count to the number eight? Take this opportunity to pass them in line.
While waiting in line, peruse the Internet conspicuously (i.e. use HUGE font) on your brand new iPad (make sure you get the most updated version and surf sites like Tractor of the Month, MMA Mania, and Hot Pigs Who Squeal on the regular to ensure interest by someone close to you who is bored while waiting in line).
When someone asks you over your shoulder why you're Googling "neck breaking" and "chloroform," reach your free arm around, grab them by the back of their neck, flip them over your shoulder, and get them into a choke hold until they yell "Uncle!" When they do, say "No, it wasn't my uncle! It was my father! No, my brother, no, actually my brother and my father, who both inappropriately touched me. No, nevermind, they didn't touch me, my dad's my buddy, no, no, he did, that's why I did what I did. I'm so confused. I'm so confused!" Then break down and cry. The person will then say they're sorry, that you've gone through enough in your life, and let you cut them in line. And if they don't, you can always round-house kick them to the head Chuck Norris style. Or bribe them with a canned ham. Either will work.
The Invisible Babysitter
Find a family with young children towards the front of the line. When the parents are not looking, lure the children into the trunk of your car with promises of trips to Disney World and the beach. Once in the trunk, give them a couple cans of Cheez Whiz and a box of Twinkies for food and drill some holes in the trunk so they can breath.The parents will eventually panic and flee the line and you'll eventually let the kids out of the trunk...in a month.
The Bella Beat-a
This move is easy just so long as you remember a rule of thumb that most good mothers teach their daughters when they're young -- to always keep a tattoo gun handy in your pocket book (we hear they're usually on sale at Walmart next to the rifles). Once confronted, place your opponent in a front chancery and roll backwards. This will pull the opponent over you and onto the their back.
Once they have fully submitted, tattoo "Bella Vita" on their forehead. When they get upset and tell you that they don't speak Italian or have never eaten at a cheesily named pizzaria before and have no idea what that term means, tell them to STFU and stuff pork grinds into their mouth. Just like duct tape, it'll get them to shut up real quick.
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