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Halloween Guide to Getting Laid (Don't Go to Parties with James Franco)

Halloween is an evening to pick out your neatest costume, meet up with some friends, and engage in some wholesome tricks and treats. Get real. If you're over fifteen years old, celebrating Halloween is for getting drunk (only on liquor-filled chocolates if you're under 21, of course). With the help of the dark of night and a cool costume obscuring your doughy frame, it's also about hooking up with some hottie who is out of your league. And the path to Copulationville, USA starts with that costume.

But with so many options, how will you pick the threads to separate you from the rest of the horny pack? Cultist has you covered with a guide that is the dress equivalent of Spanish Fly. (Note: This guide is primarily for men. Ladies, your sexy nurses and sexy nuns need no help getting some on this holiday or ever.) Also check our guide to best Halloween events in Miami.

1. Don't Be Lame
And by that we mean avoid dressing like Snookie, Lady Gaga, zombies, or zombie Snookies dressed as Lady Gaga. There will be dozens of guys dressed up like these and other clichéd costumes at any given party, so just don't. Remember, you want to stand out among the rest. Think about what will draw the attention and what will be a turn on. Any costume that harkens a girl back to her early memories of sexual awakening is a good choice, so try Aladdin, John Candy, Robocop, or David Bowie in Labyrinth. An ornate or complicated costume also earns you points, so put in the effort to dress up as Iron Man. To impress even more, find an actual functioning Iron Man suit (if you were one of the lucky few to accrue favor with Mickey Rourke when he used to live down here, now is the time to cash in).

2. Keep it Simple
Even though you should put effort into your costume, it shouldn't be a physical hindrance to engaging someone physically. Yes, getting a suit of armor to dress up as King Arthur is badass, but trying to get out of it in a tiny bathroom stall while trying to poke Guinevere (with something besides your sword, that is) is virtually impossible. Keep your clothes as loose as your morals. For the easiest of access, we suggest going Scottish and donning a kilt.

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Conceptually, your costume will likely be the first topic of conversation with any potential Halloween paramours. A successful costume shouldn't require a ten-minute back-story. Sure, your oh so clever idea of dressing up as Jeff Goldblum dressing up as the Cowardly Lion might have made you a superstar in the eyes of your buddies (as any good Goldblum costume should), but by the time you reach the second paragraph of explanation, any potential suitor will have begun to make eyes with that dude dressed like James Franco (the Eat, Pray, Love version, not Pineapple Express) in the corner, which brings us to our next tip.

3. Don't Go to Parties with James Franco
Yes, technically this has nothing to do with costumes. But it is imperative to getting laid during Halloween, or any day for that matter. It doesn't matter how much game you have, The Franco has more. He's able to pull off looking both brooding and boyishly laid back AT THE SAME TIME. And he's smart, so he can actually engage a girl in conversation about the new Jonathan Frazen novel you bought and are letting gather dust on your nightstand. If you see James Franco at your Halloween party, run like hell, before you begin to fall for his charm (though if there ever was a time to indulge bi-curiosity, you might as well go for the Franco).

4. Have a Good Story to Go with Your Costume
Lie through your teeth. Oh, sure, you may feel sleazy, but Halloween is among the sleaziest of holidays (behind Marti Gras, New Years, etc...). The Heat jersey you're wearing was a gift from close personal family friend, Chris Bosh. Your Frankenstein costume was a suggestion from your long-term confidant Dwayne Wade. Any fib you tell on Halloween will probably be lost in the ether of a one-night stand. If the hookup becomes a relationship you can come clean to your sweetheart, who will forgive your dishonesty and certainly won't resent you for tricking her into falling into a web of lies for your own selfish, predatorial gain.


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