Guns Don't Kill People. Penguins Do.

Were you aware that Penguin Awareness Day was yesterday? No? Well, the penguins got word that you forgot and they are mad. Don't believe us? Look how they're taking it out on the seals! Think about the seals! What about the seals???

Anyway, we talked to the penguins for you (we're fluent in penguinese) and the only way that you can make it up to them, and possibly deter a violent penguin uprising resulting in mass (krill) genocide, is by memorizing these penguin facts. Otherwise, the end of the world may occur much sooner than 2012.

Fact: Despite their wishes, a group of penguins are not called "a gathering of awesomeness," "sardine slayers," or "water ninjas." A gathering of such greatness is simply called colonies or rookery.

Fact: Penguins can swim, an M16 cannot.

Fact: The name "penguin" is derived from Welsh terms 'pen,' meaning 'head' and 'gwyn', meaning 'of the entire world.'

Fact: Penguins love metal.

Fact: Penguins are birds, which means they're derived from a Pterodactyl. Are you derived from a dinosaur? NO YOU ARE NOT.

Fact: Due to their dashing, tuxedo-like appearance, 00-penguins attract Bond-quality babes like Jessica Alba  in Good Luck Chuck, Kathy Bates in Misery, and Rhea Pearlman (Hey, Danny DeVito did play Penguin)."

Fact: Chilly Willy loved pancakes. That is it.

Fact: Penguins advocate the minimization of government, the maximization of individual liberty, and the social acceptance of roundhouse kicks to the face.

Fact: Sure, John Jameson wrestled a squid, but a penguin feasts on squid on a daily basis.

Fact: A penguin can lay an egg. Chuck Norris cannot.

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Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel