Our recap of last week's Gallery Girls started out by calling hometown girl Amy Poliakoff "off-putting." That was maybe a little harsh. The girl's one of our own, after all. In fact, after she read that post, she called our offices to firmly but very politely defend herself. And she hinted that any bad vibes you're getting from her early in the season will be erased after the season finale.
After the second-to-last episode of the season, which aired last night, we can see why. Amy finally manages to channel her need for acceptance into action, single-handedly setting up End of Century's pop-up show for the Brooklyn girls and corralling attendees from the streets of Wynwood to make it a success.
Meanwhile, our favorite no-nonsense girl Liz talks a lot of nonsense. What's next? Up is down? Black is white? Brooklyn is Manhattan? We're so confused.
Previously: Ryan keeps being Ryan, which annoys Maggie and angers Liz. The girls take Art Basel. Kerri works and works and works and talks about how much she works. The Brooklyn clique hates Liz and Liz hates the Brooklyn clique. EOC's hastily planned pop is scheduled at Cafeina, no thanks to Chantal.
Fake effed-up Polaroid screen into Miami, where Angela describes meeting a member of the Fendi family to Claudia and Chantal. The girls talk about the pop-up, and debate giving up on the idea, until Amy calls with news that's um, surprising: She's dropped $2,000 on a tent, lighting, and walls for the event. It's a gesture that's semi-creepy and needy, and the Brooklyn girls say as much. But Amy has another reason for pushing the event: She's trying to save face after getting canned from her free internship by Sharon last week.
"Who wants to be an intern and work for free when you can create your own event?" she says. I'd rather work for free than pay to work out of my own pocket, personally, but then I don't have rich parents.
Meanwhile, Maggie and Liz check out the Rubell Family Collection like the besties they are (for now -- sigh) until the Brooklyn crew shows up. It's a passive-aggressive silent showdown between these two sides at every damn event they attend. I'm over it, and so is Liz, who invites Claudia and Chantal to Mokai, where she's been offered a free table, so they can have a talk. I cannot wait to find out how they manage to discuss anything over pounding music and free-flowing vodka.
But Claudia ever so selflessly accepts Liz's offer: "It's an olive branch, and I'm reaching it out." Pretty sure it was Liz reaching it out there, honey.
Chantal's going to attend Mokai too, because it's an event she can use to worry her boyfriend Spencer back in New York. "I love torturing him," she confesses, saying she lets him know that she flirts with men for drinks and doesn't wear underwear when she goes out. He's fed up enough that he flies to Miami to be with Chantal, which Chantal thinks is sweet. It's gross and mind-gamey and unsustainable, but sure, we'll call it sweet too.
Liz and Maggie hit Mokai. "I'm back in the MIA, and it feels damn good to be a gangsta," Liz says, and I can't tell if she's serious or not, but I love her enough (for now -- sigh) to give her the benefit of the doubt. The Brooklyn "gangstas" show up next, and there's all kinds of awkwardness until Maggie leans over and twisty-mouths, "Are you supposed to talk to them?" And then, you guys, the most radical thing you've ever seen on a reality show takes place: The girls actually talk it out. Liz explains her feelings. Brooklyn admits they've been mean, and apologize. It's all going so well.
Too well, in fact. Liz and Chantal are buddying up. They're swapping stories about their heritage and who was once blonder, and laughing together, and voice-overing about how well they're getting along. Pray this doesn't last, America, because together these two could singlehandedly bring on the apocalypse. Soon our hero Liz will be drinking French press coffee and bragging about how great she is at yoga. This will not stand.
Luckily, Ryan breaks up the Liz-Chantal lovefest with drunken meathead antics. Brooklyn's still too cool for that shit, so they skip out, leaving Liz and her man to handle Maggie's crew. Annoyed, Liz leaves, telling Ryan to make sure he tips the waitress. Sure, that'll definitely happen.
Oh no, wait, that won't happen at all, because Ryan's friend Bobby (who confusingly shares his name with Liz's boyfriend) gets booted from the club for his drunken antics. Maggie would ordinarily be livid, but instead she's so drunk she can barely walk. It's embarrassing, sure. But we've all been there. Liz, she of the substance-abusing past, has certainly been there. But she's unsympathetic: "Why can't any of these fucking people hold their alcohol?"
She's still on about it at Art Miami the next day, telling Boyfriend Bobby that Other, Drunken Bobby is just a "commoner creature." She gets an email from Mokai complaining about her party's behavior, which, again, is embarrassing, and worth addressing with the drunken assholes in question. But even after Liz talks to Maggie about it, she just can't let it go. Even Boyfriend Bobby is surprised and a little turned off. What happened to the strong, no-bullshit, rise-above Liz we knew and loved?
Back at Cafeina, Amy has the tent set up and the walls being built. As a person who once planned a wedding in Miami, I can tell you there is no effing way all this cost just $2,000. The tent alone is all inflatable and cool-looking, to say nothing of the lighting or the labor or the price of securing the venue itself. That's a hefty reality TV discount, right there. Now I'm wishing I'd gotten married on Bravo.
Kerri, meanwhile, is busy setting up that crazy Mr. Brainwash event from last year. If you attended it back then, just think: You could've rubbed elbows with the most boring person on Gallery Girls and never even known it.
The Mr. Brainwash event is packed, naturally. End of Century's pop-up, not so much. While the Brooklynites sit around rolling their eyes and sighing, Amy takes some initiative to the streets of Wynwood's Second Saturday Art Walk, luring unsuspecting passersby into Cafeina with the promise of free drinks (and, oh yeah, great photography too). See what we mean about the new Amy? She's getting shit done. And she's also doing an amazing impression of the Brooklyn girls. Win, win, win.
Claudia, meanwhile, worries about the "riffraffs" coming in off the street. "I saw a lot of people in flip-flops, which is never a good look," she snarks, and all of Miami responds, "BLASPHEMY! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TOWN."
Jane Holzer stops by in an almost certainly required-by-Bravo appearance. She buys some jewelry while Angela stands by pouting awkwardly, then asks for a tour of the photography, probably just to get Angela's death-stare off her back. Angela, once again, sells no art, but spins the experience as an important opportunity for exposure. Sure.
Exposure of a different sort awaits at the Mr. Brainwash event, where Claudia and Angela are out to hook up with hot dudes. Angela finds one with abs so defined it's kind of terrifying, and leaves the event with him. Hey, no judgment; even artsy, self-obsessed chicks with superiority complexes need love.
The next day, Maggie and Ryan sit by the pool having a hilariously inane discussion about trees. They really do belong together, those two. Liz and Boyfriend Bobby sit beside them, have a quick chat about The Mokai Incident (again). Ryan apologizes, and Liz is still unsatisfied.
Here's my Unqualified Psych Analysis Moment of the recap: So Liz has substance abuse issues in her past, right? She's probably done things she's embarrassed about. She probably feels like she has a reputation in Miami for the kind of bullshit Ryan and his friends pulled at the club. And she probably doesn't want it sticking to her -- or getting back to her father, who still treats her like an addict, a little bit. So she's taking The Mokai Disaster really personally, even though to the rest of us, it's just one unfortunate dude who couldn't get his shit together. It's not entirely unsympathetic, but it's also not fair to hold it over Maggie and Ryan forever and ever.
This has been my Unqualified Psych Analysis Moment.
Back at Amy's parents' place, Amy is having a Hannah Horvath moment: Her dad announces he's sold her NYC apartment, and that Amy needs to move out in two weeks and start supporting herself. Amy's flabbergasted, and does that fast-talking, not-saying-anything thing she does when she gets flustered. Should she be supporting herself? Sure. Is it possible to find a safe apartment in New York on two weeks' notice? Highly doubtful.
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Back in New York, Liz and Maggie talk about The Mokai Ultimatum again, and it's so boring I can't even. Less boring is Claudia, who has a breakdown at EOC when she gets a bill she can't afford. She calls her mom, who has the greatest Midwestern accent ever. Mom tells Claudia to start going to dinner with 30-year-old investment bankers, and the very idea of debasing herself in such a manner seems to break Claudia into pieces. She sits alone in the gallery, very quietly answering her mother's advice with soft little yesses. It would be tragic, except I know for a fact that 30-year-olds are not all that terrible. Some of my best friends are 30-year-olds.
Next, on the season finale: It's Liz versus Maggie! Maggie buddies up with Amy! Kerri's still yawntastic! Claudia might ditch EOC! Maggie moves on from Eli Klein? And all of America prepares itself to say goodbye to the gals. Bring tissues.