Hell yeah! It's April 15, that means it's the last day to file your taxes before the IRS comes knocking on your door and takes your first-born.
Even with Uncle Sam bearing down on us, most Americans actually look forward to doing there taxes because it means one thing: tax refund! It's like free money... except it's not, because it was kind of yours to begin with. According to the IRS, 111.7 million people received a refund in 2009 (the most current available statistics). The average refund check for that year was $2,902. Of course, if you have a good accountant that knows how to even claim your dog as a dependent, it's pretty easy to get something back from Tio Samuel.
So now you've got that check burning a hole in your pocket, but what do you do with all that money? (We mean if the usual whoring and coke-binge weekend is out of the question.) Well, let us present a few options for the temporarily rich.
5. 3D TV
Face it, viewing Avatar and Tron: Legacy on a regular TV isn't as exciting as watching it in IMAX 3D. And with Comcast slowly rolling out 3D channels, you might as well take that check and jump on board the tech bandwagon. Come on, it's not like they're going to come out with 4D... right?
Estimated cost: Sony's BRAVIA 3D starts at around $1,800, not including the 3D glasses.
Return on investment: Seriously, nobody's working on a 4D TV, right?
4. Nightclub bottle service
Admit it, when you go to a nightclub and you see the 50-year-old guy at a table surrounded by a gaggle on 20-year-old women you think, What a douchebag! But then you look at the clusterfuck at the bar and take a sip of your watered-down drink and it hits you: it sucks being poor. A couple grand can give you that temporary pleasure of feeling superior to everyone else at nightclubs like LIV, Mansion, and SET. That's until you realize you've been paying $500 for a bottle of Smirnoff that costs $10.
Estimated cost: Who the fuck knows! Usually there's a minimum requirement to spend (around $1,000) and that doesn't include tip. Nightclubs will try to push extra bottles and you might end up spending more than you were quoted at the door.
Return on investment: Bad. Chances you'll leave owing more money than you came in with.
3. Support a struggling artist
You can always invest in stocks, but where is the fun in that? Buying art is almost an art form in itself. With $2,000 to $3,000 you might be able to snag yourself a good deal if you know what you are doing.
Estimated cost: Whatever you are going to spend, try not to be cheap.
Return on investment: Good but risky. You can spend $3,000 on a piece that could be worth $300,000 or $3 later on. Problem is your investment depends on the tastes and wants of others.
How cliche, we know, but doing a vacation right costs money. Whether you are going to take your devil of an ex-wife and children to Disney World or whisk away your 20-year-old mistress for a New York shopping spree, that tax return will come in handy. And you can save yourself the embarrassment of trying to pay with your maxed out credit cards.
Estimated cost: Depends where you are going and who you are going with.
Return on investment: Very good. As they say, memories last a lifetime.
1. Donate the money to charity
Hahahaha! Yeah, fucking right. Go ahead and have that whores and coke-binge weekend.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.