| Culture |

Five Ways to Appease Our New Python Overlords

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

The abundance of pythons in the Everglades is old news. (Remember that alligator fight?) But a couple weeks ago, we got news that the pythons in the Everglades can now swim in salt water. And more recently, experts have suggested that the number of mammals in the Everglades -- species like adorable bunnies, raccoons, and opossums -- has dropped, likely because the pythons are eating them.

This can mean only one thing: Pythons are poised to take over South Florida. And maybe also the world.

Here's our theory: The Everglades pythons are pissed at their former owners for ditching them out in the Everglades in the first place, and they're planning to take it out on the whole human race. They've been biding their time in the swamp, growing larger and stronger, and testing their strength against any innocent creature that crosses their paths. But now, there's no prey left in the Everglades. Training camp is over. The scaly bastards could be upon us at any moment. And no one knows exactly how many pythons are out there -- thousands? Hundreds of thousands? Millions of angry snakes, attacking our homes, our families, our darling chihuahuas?

There's only one thing we can do: Welcome our new python overlords, praying they keep us alive as slaves instead of letting us suffocate to death as we're slowly metabolized inside their remarkably stretchy bodies.

Slither at least 30 min a day
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Pythons must recognize that, right? So start practicing your snake moves now. You'll find that slithering is a great core workout, and it'll toughen up the skin on your abdomen, which will be useful when our new ruling class of pythons forbids us from walking on two feet. If you can do the worm, maybe they'll make you a court jester. If not, they will eat you.

Learn the language
You know how it is -- if you live in Miami, you're expected to know at least a little bit of Spanish. It's called being a good citizen. So when the pythons take over, you'll be expected to hiss. Not fluently, of course -- just enough to ask where the bathroom is and order a cafe con leche. How embarrassed will you be if a snake asks you a question and you can't understand him? Not embarrassed at all, actually, because you'll be eaten immediately.

Burn All Snakeskin Goods
Too long have we oppressed the superior snake species, keeping them in glass aquariums, feeding them measly pet shop rodents, and even worse, wearing their skin as a badge of honor. If you're an owner of snakeskin, we suggest you get rid of it, and fast. (In fairness, you should probably do that anyway -- what, are you auditioning for Swamp People?)

Repurpose Jungle Island
We're gonna have to give our new masters something as a show of faith. And the newly established Python Nation's going to need a headquarters anyway. Plus, if any living being has the power to overcome an onslaught of evil pythons, it's the liger. She may be our only hope! (Ha-ha, we're just kidding, pythons! Please don't eat us!)

Stop quoting Monty Python
Pythons hate that shit. Trust us.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.