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Five Tips For Surviving the Coming Contraceptive Apocalypse

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It's hard out there for a loose lady.

Religious leaders and Republicans have once again joined forces against birth control, in in apparent effort to ensure heterosexuals across the land will forever fear unplanned pregnancies, or cease fornicating altogether.

Earlier this year, right-wingers put Planned Parenthood in jeopardy, and they're now making a stink about the requirement that all employers offer contraceptive coverage in Obama's Affordable Care Act. Meanwhile, Roman Catholic bishops have joined forces with leaders of other religions to protest Obama's plan. The holy men oppose any birth control that prevents pregnancy after fertilization, or as they call it, abortion. (Doctors deny that any birth control methods covered by the provision would actually cause a woman to abort, but whatevs.)

Considering this upheaval in women's and reproductive rights, the sexually proficient  women of Miami should start gearing up for a contraceptive apocalypse. Here's how to keep yourself from making babies when you make love, even after your trusty pill is outlawed by conservative clergymen's efforts.

Try Foster Friess' magic aspirin trick from the 1800s

billionaire behind the Red, White and Blue Fund, a super PAC supporting

Rick Santorum's presidential campaign, thinks birth control ain't no


Friess said in an MSNBC interview on Thursday that back in

his day, "they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it

between their knees, and it wasn't that costly."

There you have it, ladies! Let's all forget our NuvaRings and stick to this one.

The Rhythmeter

one's church-approved, which makes a lot of sense: It's more of a family planning

tool than straight-out birth control, plus it's difficult to use and

older than your abuela. It's probably impossible to find, actually.


effectiveness of the Rhythmeter (or the rhythm method in general) is

debatable, especially because its creator, Dr. John C. Rock of Harvard

Medical School, was all for the switch to hormonal methods. So for the sexually active gal who doesn't know the ways of her uterus, use of this tricky gadget

could lead to sleepless nights peeing on sticks or hauling down flights

of stairs. But hey -- it's a small price to pay for God's love, right?

Good ol' rubbers

is actually not a bad alternative: Condoms are available in every

corner of Miami and free of age restrictions; they protect against

certain sexually transmitted diseases; and they're especially convenient

for those spur-of-the-moments romps.

The catch

is the 3% chance your prophylactic will slip off or break mid-coitus,

and the uncomfortable sensation of... no sensation.

Pull Out
Option #3 not intimate enough? There's always the pullout method. Sure, it's risky. But that's just how you live your life, isn't it, you sexual libertine?

Pennyroyal tea

to herb lore, pennyroyal was used as a cooking herb by ancient Greeks

and Romans, but has since devolved into a poisonous plant used in

abortifacient teas for hippies.

It's said that pennyroyal can be

used to get rid of pests, stomach upset, and even farts. But when mixed

with blue cohosh, an herb that brings on late periods, pennyroyal tea

will (allegedly) cast embryos from any womb.

However, the

plant's oil is a known lethal poison and some mysterious deaths from the

19th Century may have been caused by the killer brew. Still, Kurt Cobain swore

it worked wonders for his friends' unwanted pregnancies. Just kidding! He actually said "it never worked."

And this, fornicators, is life after birth control.

--Maria Murriel

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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