Did you catch the big game last night, champ? Oh, it was truly one for the ages. There was plenty of action, highs and lows, and surprises around every turn. And that's just the commercials.
The Giants-Patriots showdown was more than the mere spectacle of violence and pain we've become accustomed to on Super Bowl Sunday each year. It was downright educational. So in case you missed it, here's what we learned last night.
Bud Light Platinum exists
Hip beer drinkers have long clamored for high quality craft brews. Instead, Bud Light offers a version of its original college swill with a higher percentage of alcohol. It rolled out the new product with a duo of commercials last night that positioned the product in an upscale zzzzzzzz -- what? Oh, sorry, we fell asleep just thinking about the boring ads that announced this new, completely senseless product. Watch the video above if you're in need of a nap.
Taylor Kitsch is a major movie star
If you're a Friday Night Lights fan, you know Taylor Kitsch as Tim Riggins, a gruff rebel with a heart of gold and a head of hair that no one else, not even Tom Brady, could pull off. But if you know him only from his appearances in last night's commercials, Taylor Kitsch is the next George Clooney. The actor stars in two action-y films promoted between plays last night: Disney's John Carter, and Battleship. Clearly, you should just go ahead and write him in on your Oscar ballot for next year.
Madonna is all-powerful
No, it's not because she killed it at her halftime show. It's because she effectively muted every "special guest" who joined her on stage. LMFAO showed up to do a little shuffle. Lady loudmouths M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj were relegated to go-go dancer status, complete with pedestals. And Cee Lo Green got covered up in a huge black tarp. You may be an attention whore, Madonna, but we'll give you this: You're great at what you do.
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Tom Brady is mortal
We were pretty shocked, too. New England fans have been worshipping Brady like a golden god for years, and even Saturday Night Live jumped on the bandwagon this year. But from his first play, which resulted in a safety for the Giants, to plenty of poor passes and sacks, the verdict is in. Tom Brady is just a very talented human football player. You can now dissemble your Brady shrine without fear of being sent to Belichick Hell, where victims wear nothing but hoodies and have to look at the coach's sourpuss face for eternity.
Clint Eastwood can save America
A question for non-Super Bowl watchers: Was there a moment last night that you felt something deep and implacable in your soul? An urgent stirring, a sudden and powerful feeling of pride and rage and patriotism? Did you, if only for two minutes, feel an urge to cry, then to hug your neighbors, then to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and charge out into the world, ready to do what it takes to make this nation great again? That, friends, was halftime in America. We'd buy a car from you anytime, Mr. Eastwood.