Oh, Kirstie Alley! Maybe you lost 100 pounds since your stint on Dancing With the Stars last year, but no way in deep-fried-stick-of-butter hell are you a size 6 and 130 pounds. You may be well on your way, thanks to your new 100 Days of Dance blog where you've been posting videos of yourself busting sweet moves every day since the New Year. And hey, we love that you're encouraging health -- but, c'mon. We have eyes. And they work.
And that's just fine, Kirstie, because we like you just the way you are. Back when you were thin, you were boring. Case in point: Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too, and Look Who's Talking Now. When you were skinny, you totally downplayed the fact that you joined a loony UFO cult. And do we have to mention the very unfunny Veronica's Closet? But ever since you re-emerged as the chunkilicious bean-bag goddess that you are, you're great. You delighted on Dancing With the Stars, amusingly screwed any kind of legitimacy Jenny Craig ever had, and poetically professed your love for Jamie Foxx. Really, what isn't there to love?
And though not quite as svelte as you claim to be, you have lost some weight, look great, and still maintain your very likable Krazy Kirstie personality. But that's not the case with some other celebrities who seem to lose charisma as they lose the chub. So here are our picks for five stars we liked better when they were fat. If we could send them all a doughnut-stuffed burrito wrapped in bacon and deep-fried in Crisco, we totally would.
Kelly, really, you're not so bad. You're fun on Fashion Police. But sometimes, sometimes, you say shit that's mean-girlish. And icky. For example: your beef with the now somewhat-beefy Christina Aguilera. We get it -- she picked on you when you were a butterball. And if her music is any indication, her bullying was probably pretty painful. But poking fun at her on the regular for being fat now that you're thin comes off as petty. And petty verbal vengeance makes anybody look ugly, regardless of your dress size.
Can't you muster up some sympathy for her? Girlfriend just went through a divorce, is dating a production assistant, and thinks leggings are a suitable replacement for pants. She's a mess. Honestly, you don't really have to say anything. Xtina embarrasses herself. Just sit back, shut your trap, and remember what it was like when you were a big ol' pill-popping disaster.
Hey, LeAnn, remember when you used to win Grammys and be a respectable singer and everything? What happened to that girl? Sure, she was a chubby little chipmunk, but she added something inspirational and enjoyable to the universe. Now you're nothing but an attention whore in a bikini who has something to prove to who the hell knows. Not to mention, you publicly stole a good-looking but good-for-nothing married dude with kids from his bimbo former wife -- then you rubbed all of it in said bimbo's face on Twitter. What the hell, girl? Think of the children. Just because their daddy sees dollar signs when he looks into your squinty, Falcor-esque eyes does not mean they won't need years of therapy. Now put on some clothes, eat a steak, and go record an album or something.
Remember when Renee used to be a little pudgy? She'd wear giant knickers, drink and smoke endlessly, and slide down fire poles before landing ass-first into a video camera. Oh! And remember when she used to talk with a British accent and make out with Colin Firth in the snow with no pants on? That's when Renée was truly at her best!
Oh, hold up. You say that was just her role in the movie Bridget Jones's Diary and not really what Renée Zellwegger is actually like? Oh, well. We suppose she has never been pleasant then. Moving on.
This one might be a little controversial. Everybody loves them a pretty, perfect-bodied Brit-Brit from the '90s. But don't you think she was a bit like a circus monkey in those days? Dancing with snakes and shaking her thong-over-low-rise-jeans rump for peanuts? Her true personality always seemed to be plastered over by Team Britney for the sake of record and concert sales.
Then, enter KFed. Suddenly Britney's inner hillbilly burst loose -- and, man, was it fun. Sure, maybe Britney went a little too far in her bigger, binging days, having to be Baker Acted and all. But now she just seems like a subdued, pilled-up, zombie robot.
My Little Pony
Hey, hey, Oh, Hasbro. Way to boost little girls' self-esteem by taking a perfectly fine toy from the '80s and forcing it to lose about 20 pounds. It's a pony, dammit, not a Barbie doll. Why must it be thin? Is nothing sacred anymore? What was so wrong with OG My Little Pony anyway? We had more of her awesome, cherry-scented, plastic flesh to love. There was more junk in her My Little Pony trunk to show off the flower, diamonds, and lightning-bolt embellishments on her flanks. Who put you up to this ridiculousness? It was Jem and the Hologram dolls, wasn't it? They've always had issues with being bigger.