Five Reasons We Can't Wait For The Franchise to Feature the Miami Marlins

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Showtime finally confirmed yesterday what we already knew: the second season of its sports documentary series, The Franchise, a weekly show that gives viewers behind-the-scenes looks at professional baseball teams, will feature your Miami Marlins.

"Miami is not only one of the most sexy and cosmopolitan cities in the country, but has become one of the best sports towns as well," said David Nevins, Showtime president of entertainment. "A newly rebuilt Miami Marlins franchise full of big player personalities, and led by the larger-than-life Ozzie Guillen, are an ideal team for season two of The Franchise."

Bottom line: The Marlins were chosen because they're the zaniest group of guys you'll see on a major league baseball team this year. And here are five things we're most excited to see on The Franchise: The Miami Marlins.

1. Trying to decipher what the hell everyone is saying.
Between Ozzie Guillen, Carlos Zambrano, and Jose Reyes, it's totally gonna get seriously incoherent! Down here in South Florida, we're pretty used to the colorful broken spanglish spoken all over the place -- but you've never heard it spoken quite like Guillen: "I AM FINISH WITH MEDIA TALKY CAMERA. NO WORRIE."

Throw in a reticent Reyes, and a slightly unhinged Zambrano, and get ready to sit back, relax, and enjoy the crazy.

2. Two Words: Logan Morrison.
This picture of Logan Morrison enjoying a bubble bath and some wine with teammate Bryan Peterson while grabbing his dong almost broke the Internet last month. Now LoMo is going to be on Showtime? The network that lives to show you titties? The network that exclusively makes movies about call girls and their secret diaries? Aww yea!

Oh look, here's a picture of Morrison in a penis costume.

It's safe to say the Showtime execs based the entire idea of putting the Marlins on The Franchise this year around these two photos of Logan Morrison alone. It's probably also safe to say we're probably going to get a LoMo cock shot before it's all said and done.

3. An inside look at the abomination that is the homerun sculpture.
The Mets have a giant apple that rises after every home run. The Brewers' mascot rides down a giant whirly slide every time Milwaukee hits a dinger. The dipshits that run this organization? They thought it would be a neat idea to have every perceived Miami cliché mashed together into a gargantuan, animated flashing sculpture that rises out of the ground to scare the crap out of children and give old people aneurysms.

Until now, we assumed Red Grooms, the artist who designed the sculpture, was primarily inspired by this video:

But maybe The Franchise will give us some new insights into Grooms' terrifying, neon labyrinth of a mind.

4. Tiny David Samson.
Team President David Samson is a tiny, lecherous fella. So it should be lots of fun watching Marlins players kicking him around like a hacky sack during warm-ups, or putting him into dresser drawers in the team hotel, or confusing him for a hairy kid during autograph sessions.

5. Carlos Zambrano throwing Gatorade coolers at people.
The Marlins are hoping Carlos Zambrano can be a solid addition to a young and talented rotation. And many feel that pairing him up with Ozzie Guillen is the perfect fit. Zambrano is an innings eater. And he can shut down any lineup in the bigs with a filthy sinker.

But also, he's batshit insane. He's got a short fuse, often gets into altercations with teammates during games, and likes to throw things on the field when he's mad. 

Some think Ozzie Guillen will be able to talk him down when Zambrano blows a gasket. But we're hoping just the opposite. We're actually hoping he loses it so badly during a spring training game that he'll shit on the pitcher's mound. It is Showtime, after all. RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

The premiere date for season two of The Franchise will be announced later this year.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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