Five Predictions for the New Two and a Half Men with Ashton Kutcher

Laugh tracks make us cringe, and because of that, rarely do we venture into the world of CBS primetime. But last night, Cultist made an exception for the season premiere of Two and a Half Men. No, we're not die-hard Ashton Kutcher fans. In fact, we think the dude's a major tool, and an incredibly misinformed opponent of sex trafficking. The reason we tuned into last night's episode is because we're big fans of train-wreck television.

When he was on television, Kutcher's Michael Kelso was our least favorite character on That 70s Show. And when he started showing up on the big screen, we thought Hollywood was punking us. In our eyes, he's a crap actor. But America loves him and the Two and a Half Men premiere raked in 28-million viewers last night. But that number is only going to go down. His quirky, relatively naive goofball schtick is running its course, and soon, CBS will have to spice shit up to save a ship that'll inevitably sink by sweeps week. Check out predictions for Two and a Half Men after the jump.

5. Demi Moore guest spot

Kutcher's wife, actress Demi Moore, will have to step in and save the show at some point. We're thinking a special guest role as Jon Cryer's love interest or maybe that kid's hot teacher.

4. Bruce Willis guest spot

If Chuck Lorre's thinking way outside the box, he can bring in Bruce Willis in for a recurring role as Kutcher's neighbor. Maybe Willis steals Kutcher's girlfriend on the show.

3. Ashton Kutcher takes his shirt off

It only took Kutcher a few minutes to strip down on last night's episode, and it's something producers will probably have him do every episode. In fact, CBS will probably only run promos of a shirtless Kutcher saying some stupid catchphrase like "Oh c'mon, give me a break," or "Can I have my pants back."

2. New day, new time
Try Wednesday night on for size, Two and Half Men. Shake things up by sandwiching comedy between Survivor and CSI (insert city). It'll be the last resort before the inevitable happens...

1. Canceled

Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher will team up for a Hot Shots remake and have to leave the show, and Two and a Half Men will forever live on in syndication as Charlie Sheen sits back and collects dollar, dollar bills.

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